Mother of the WHAT?

Home for the Summer

2011-09-15T15:46:00.000-04:00

I posted on my new blog address today.
You can read about the
7 Ways I was Intentional with My College Girl this Summer right here!

I have Moved

2011-09-13T21:07:00.004-04:00

My new address is simply Motherofthewhat.com! (Click here)
I will stop by here occasionally to remind you - but bookmark my new blog address. Please. :)

You can also subscribe to my new blog (see the Subscribe options on the right of the new blog).

Shifting Seasons

2011-09-06T20:16:00.000-04:00

I'm over at Moms.FortWayne.com today.
Click here to read about One Red Leaf.

Set Apart

2011-09-05T19:31:00.000-04:00

Set apart from the everyday dishes

God has a thing about setting people apart by His grace and for His work. But I don't think its exactly easy to be set apart - especially for our kids. I remember being a teenager, it was all about fitting in and not standing out. Being set apart can feel like being left out, and yet this is what I want for my kids.

During the course of their day, temptations and shifting boundaries are constantly in front of our kids. Using foul language, disrespect, cheating, ignoring or making fun of others, pornography, drinking, sex, lying, and more are coming at our kids constantly. I want, and expect, my kids to resist each of these. I don't think it's easy. I really don't. I believe this is a hard road sometimes. In fact, my oldest has shared that having different standards has, at times, been very hard indeed.

Courtney's Dishes

So I talk to them - a lot. We have spoken about pornography at our dinner table. I hate that. But we will talk about tough subjects until they become easy to talk about. I don't want my kids to wonder where we stand on these subjects and I want them to be clear about our expectations. I want them them to know they have a purpose; that I believe God himself has set them apart.

Erin's Dishes

One of the tools I use to let them know they are set apart is china. When each of the girls entered high school I gave them each one place setting and wrote a letter about being set apart. I knew these years would be increasingly difficult. In the letter I told them about attributes I see in them already that indicate being set apart. I remind them that practicing boundaries now will help them be more confident later in saying no. I gave them verses from the Bible regarding being set apart. I explained that the dishes were special - like them - and would not be kept in the kitchen with the everyday dishes, but would be set apart and kept in the oak hutch in the dining room.

I let them know that they can get these dishes out anytime they want, that they can use them for dinner, a snack, cereal, or even ice-cream. They can use them to remind themselves of their value and purpose. I also told them that sometimes they will find their dishes at the dinner table, that I will set the table with them as a reminder that I am thinking of them.

Zach's Dishes

I wondered what to give Zach, I wasn't sure he would appreciate a set of dishes, but this summer I changed my mind, and I picked up one place setting of "manly dishes". I decided that he should have a set too because one, I love the symbol that I can easily put in front of them, and two, I know the girls appreciate when they come to the table and find their special dishes at their place. I use these dishes as a quiet way to say I love you. I'm thinking of you. I think you're special. I'm proud of you. I believe in you. Be encouraged, you've been set apart intentionally.

I can't remember where I got the idea for the dishes, but I thought I would share it with you as it seems to be one my kids really appreciate. Feel free to share your ideas about how you remind your kids that they are special!

Blessed to be a Blessing

2011-08-30T23:02:00.001-04:00

Zach came home a few weeks ago and said Chris, one of the younger guys on the football team, (that he had been driving to and from practice all summer because his mom works) was selling candy bars to help raise money for a mission trip he was taking. Zach wondered out loud how many he could buy. When I asked why, he said something about wanting to help this kid (it was a mission trip after all) and he wanted to blow him away through generosity.

So Zach asked all of us how much we would each contribute; everyone in our family put money in the pot. It was neat to watch that happen. Then he texted his friend.

"How many candy bars do you have left?"
"46."
"I'll take all of them."
"Are you kidding me?!"
"Nope, I'll take all of them!"
"Awesome!!!!!"

Zach said Chris was really blown away when he picked up the candy bars the next day.

I just love this.

Blessed to be a blessing is something our pastor, Stan Buck, has spoken about often. Kevin and I really took this to heart this past year when he challenged all of the church body to tip generously when we go out to eat. He wondered what that could look like across our community if everyone did that. Stan has challenged us before on this, but it really landed on us this most recent time. I have to say, we have had a blast tipping generously these past several months. Its funny, because we never see the staff get their tip, but we imagine what they must think when they see what we have left. (As a former waitress, I don't have a problem imagining this.)

This generosity we saw in Zach wasn't the first time we had seen something like that. Earlier in the summer Courtney's boyfriend had taken her out to lunch and she asked to leave the tip. She left a gigantic tip and she told us how fun it was to leave it and walk away! Again, I love this.

I write this not to boast of our generosity, I write it this for these reasons:

To point out the impact one person had by issuing a challenge. One person influenced much giving.
Our kids are watching what we are doing - this can be good news or scary news - I guess it depends on what we are doing!
We are influencing our kids through our actions. We are. They see what we do and they do it too. What are we doing?

All good things to ponder.

Where are my glasses?

2011-08-18T18:43:00.000-04:00

I ask this question multiple times a day. I had perfect vision up until a few years ago, when reading glasses became helpful, and then more recently, necessary.

When my kids need me to read something, write a check or sign something, the smart ones find me a pair of glasses first. (Note to kids: You're all smart, so quit trying to decide who I am talking about!) OK, and I have some friends who know the same thing about me.

Yesterday we pulled into the driveway and I saw a pair tucked away by a plant. I had not seen these glasses in at least a week!

I decided to take pictures of all the random places I found my glasses today.

There is no point to this post at all. Just sharing a day in the life of this mom.

(Note: If you ever want to get me a gift, reading glasses would be a great idea. The string that goes around the neck may be a wiser gift, but I'm not there yet.)

Scrimmage: a practice session

2011-08-14T09:44:00.003-04:00

Friday night was the unofficial beginning to the football season. Kevin and I found ourselves on the bleachers watching our son take the field for the first time this season. It was just a scrimmage, but scrimmages are important as they give the players an opportunity to get a feel for how everything comes together after a summer of conditioning and practicing.

In these last waning days of summer I am feeling what I feel every year at this time...a little melancholy. As we walked out of the stadium at the end of the evening, I realized we were in our own scrimmage as I was suddenly getting a feel for what our new season would feel like after a summer of easy living and lots of family time.

I felt intensely appreciative for many recent simple moments ~

Like the shopping trip earlier that day, Zach, Erin and Courtney and I had spent five hours together. (Kyler asked to be excused from this endless traipsing from store to store). It was wonderful. I don't have the three of them alone very often and it was good for us to have this time. Really good.
I also felt grateful for my college daughter who napped with me on the couch that afternoon. This physical closeness doesn't happen quite as often now that she is nineteen (I can't exactly rock her anymore), and she doesn't even live at home nine months out of the year.
We had just spent a week with my niece and nephew and I felt joy at the opportunity to deepen our bonds, and a little sadness as I realized much distance was once again between us.
A summer in which Kyler experienced many steps forward made my heart hopeful for his upcoming season as well as grateful for his current place.
Knowing my baby girl was starting high school made my heart almost skip a beat. I can still see her two year old self twirling around in dress up clothes and beaming at me as she smiles....which was (and still is) all the time.
I was keenly aware that with Zach heading into his junior year, I have two years left with him at home...and time seems to fly these days. So this created a lump in my throat and possibly a glassy residue in my eyes.

I will be fine. I remind myself. This happens every year. This new season will bring new plays for our team, and everyone will get comfortable in their new positions, including me. But for today, I will remember that all of these feelings are just a part of the process for me each year, so its OK to feel a little sad right now.

He's Back!

2011-08-08T22:21:00.003-04:00

Sunday, August 7, 2010, our pastor, Stan Buck, was back in his spot at our church. He hasn't been in his spot since May 15th. On May 19th a brain tumor was discovered and May 20th it was removed

Its been a long eleven weeks.
Its been a miraculous eleven weeks.
Its been an emotionally draining eleven weeks.

If you go to church, you know that many of us have "our seats". Mine is in the front, third row, right side, on the end. I sit here because I am easily distracted, in this spot I can focus more easily on worship and the message. Our pastor sits two rows in front of us, and its been unnerving to not see him in his spot this summer.

But this past Sunday he was back! I didn't realize how much I appreciated seeing the back of that guy's head over the past nine years! Its hard to articulate what it felt like. It was overwhelming, it was comforting, it was joyful, it was evidence of the grace of God. It warmed my heart and made my feet move during worship.

He will be preaching "Messages that Matter" over the next three weeks, I cannot wait to sit under his teaching again. I am overjoyed by his return. I am praying still for his recovery. I am mindful of God's grace. I am aware of my own brokenness and mortality. I am stronger for this even as I feel weak in the knees.

In all of this, with hands lifted high - in grief and in joy - I am again made aware that God is good...all the time. No matter what.

Click here for "Face Down" my first post about this.
Click here for "Getting up to Follow" my second post.
Click here for the messages from Sonrise Church, Southwest Campus

It's Almost Over...

2011-08-08T21:15:00.002-04:00

I wrote here about the last week of summer.

A BIG Goal Reached

2011-08-02T18:38:00.003-04:00

Kyler has wanted a Nintendo DS since he entered our home three years ago. Unfortunately for him, I have never purchased one of these gaming units for my kids, nor will I. Undeterred, I have seen this "gift idea" show up on birthday and Christmas lists, all to no avail.

A year ago I suggested he start saving for one. I talked about moving from simply wanting something to doing something to get it. This did not appeal to him. Then he received a twenty dollar gift card to Target for his birthday. I suggested instead of running to Target to see what he could spend it on (his idea) he should start a "DS Envelope" in his budget plan. We got on-line to check out the cost of a DS, this seemed exciting and daunting to him at the same time.

A little reluctantly, he created an envelope and put the gift card in that envelope. Each month when he receives his budget he delegates income to his "Tithe", "Savings", "Spending" and "DS" envelopes. Saving for this item over the past nine months has been an exercise in staying power and delayed gratification. This was especially true when he told the neighbor boys what he was saving for and they each offered to sell him their old devices, which Kyler then wanted to purchase.....he just wanted the DS now.

Seven months into the savings plan, he had almost all the money he needed when he scratched one of my tables in the living room...on purpose...to be destructive. This type of destruction has been an ongoing problem, so I needed to figure out a new consequence. I told him since the table was a recent purchase, he would take his DS money and go to Target (he is so lucky I bought that little table there!) and buy me a new table without scratches. OUCH. That rather hurt. (which means it was an AWESOME consequence).

Added to the table set-back, Kyler also has a history of paying a lot of fines to me at the end of the month. Each time this happens I remind him he has control over these fines and if I were him, I'd rather see the money go in my envelopes instead of my mom's wallet. The last two months he has indeed been fine-free and has enjoyed the benefit of being able to keep his entire monthly budget.

Yesterday was the first of the month - budget day at our house - and he finally, after nine months, had enough money to purchase the Nintendo DS (+tax...oh the realities of purchases). It was kind of exciting driving to Target with all that cash in his hand and hopefully a sense of accomplishment in his heart. When we got home, he was very excited and had it open within seconds!

He has to have learned much through this process, I am hoping he picked up on these big ones:

He has control over his "wants".
He can achieve BIG goals over the long term.
A little becomes a lot over a period of time.
Waiting to get what he really wanted was worth it.
Pride in himself for accomplishing this goal.

Its hard to say what he will pull out of this experience, he still doesn't share a lot of his feelings, but I do feel this was a priceless lesson, and I am so proud of him.

Click here to read about how we teach our kids to manage money.

I'm Not Sure I Want to...

2011-07-31T21:55:00.000-04:00

Click here to read my latest post on Moms.FortWayne.Com
I wrote about the motivation and encouragement of others.

Girls Only!

2011-07-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

The other week was for girls only. Zach was serving as a counselor at our middle school church camp, Kyler was at the camp as a camper, and Kevin was in Colorado for work for the week. That left Courtney, Erin and I home alone, and together, all week ~ it was a rare and wonderful time!

Courtney has a full time internship, so she was gone during the days, and Erin did a little babysitting, but we did enjoy some fun and focused girl time together. We enjoyed watching Erin play softball during tournament week. There was one game I could not go to but Courtney was there and cheered Erin on - she was especially loud ("Great try, Erin!!!!") when the woman next to her complained about a dropped catch. Love that.

One night we went out to a late dinner, then ice-cream, and when we got home we watched a movie and all slept in the basement! (I didn't sleep so well as the dog seemed very confused about my sleeping down there; she kept trying to wake me up all night!)

One evening Erin went out with her softball team after a game, so Courtney and I went to DeBrands for ice-cream (you can read about Summer Weight here!) I loved my conversation with her that evening. Erin and I also trekked to Shipshewana one day; our time together was so much fun.

We went for walks, and really just simply enjoyed each other the whole week. One night we laughed so hard, we all cried. That was really good.

It was a week of living simply. No worries about dinner (I never cooked), no various schedules or plans to keep track of, we did what we wanted, when we wanted. It was wonderful.

Summer Church Camp...

2011-07-23T16:06:00.004-04:00

The counselors Erin Served alongside

...it's something every kid should experience. I really believe this. Erin just returned from spending six days (or 117 hours!) with kids in grades three through six. Courtney led the way for our family in this area, she was the first of our children to transition from camper to counselor. She gave some time each summer to be a counselor for elementary school kids, then middle school kids, and two years she even served at both camps - back to back!

Before long, Zach was old enough to be a counselor and took the same path; elementary one year, middle school the next. This year Erin wasn't quite old enough to be a counselor at the elementary camp, but she was old enough to be a counselor in training. (This meant she was assigned as an extra counselor to a cabin, but didn't sleep in the cabin and needed to be flexible to help other cabin groups as needed.)

Messy Games

Counselors give A LOT. When its hot, (and it was in the 100's this past week) everyone wants to complain. Not only do counselors not complain, they lead the way in finding the "awesomeness" in sweltering weather! They engage, play, swim, sing, dance, pray, get messy, get eaten by mosquitoes, laugh, eat, develop heat rash, encourage, talk with, guide and lead kids, with almost no time off (one hour a day, and most used part of that hour to shower) And, I'm just gonna be honest here, most kids are a delight, some are not. But counselors find ways to take delight in every kid. I'm talking e v e r y kid.

The "Blob"

If you sent your kid to camp, you know they talked the WHOLE way home! Well, guess what, mine did too. Erin talked all about "her girls". She talked a lot about one in particular. She talked about how sweet this girl was, how they encouraged her to do some of the "scary" stuff, like the Blob, the zip line, and HUGE swing.

She told us that this girl had so many stories to tell, and she listened to each and every one of them. Erin truly enjoyed talking to her all week, she said, this girl just had so much to say! At one point the girl thanked Erin for listening to her and apologized for talking so much; she said she didn't want to waste Erin's time. Erin replied, "You're not wasting my time! This is why I'm here." She thanked Erin and told her that every time they talked, Erin made her feel special. So, yes, my daughter, that is why you were there. Well done, good and faithful counselor.

Teaching & worship time

Erin ended up with another group who needed her help one evening and one girl was sad about something. She was sitting next to Erin during teaching and worship time and put her head on Erin's shoulder. Then she nestled in a little closer as tears ran down her cheeks. Erin put her arm around her, then the girl put both her arms around Erin and started crying. (Now tears ran down Erin's face.) This girl was simply missing her dad as knew he was leaving for two weeks while she was at camp. But Erin was there to hold her in that sadness. She said she felt honored to be there. Honored. She was glad that group had needed her that particular evening.


Amazing, exhausted, dedicated counselors

How many times have I dismissed something my kids needed from me? Comfort, time to listen to a story, time to play and swim and pray and dance and more. We all do, none of us can meet every need of each of our children. This is just one more reason to send our kids to camp. There are counselors there to do all of that and more with a mission and a focus. And they show up to do all of that with each and every child who arrives at camp. I know this. Remember, I have three kids that have been counselors and I know many of the youth from our church who come to these camps year after year.

Erin came home with a rash on her belly, back and thighs, laundry that smells terrible and she is exhausted. She also came home a stronger leader, a more equipped counselor, more confident and is even bolder in her own faith.

Today I saw this posted one her Facebook: "At camp I prayed with a girl as she accepted Jesus for the first time. From that moment on every other thing that week was totally worth it...God is amazing!"

God is amazing. I'm so proud of you Erin.

Look for me to write here soon about Zach's
time as a middle school counselor this summer...

A Love Letter

2011-07-21T11:47:00.006-04:00

Our 21st Anniversary

Dear Kevin,

When I walked down the isle twenty-one years ago and took your hand, I had no idea what the future held, but I knew whatever it held, I would experience it with you. I didn't know then that the love I was feeling was just the surface, I was completely unaware of the depth and width of that love.

Our move to Michigan made for a few hard years in this marriage, but again, I was only seeing the surface. The hardship of that time helped us to grow. It became the season that our roots became grafted together so that our tree could grow sturdy and strong. The hard, rocky surface gave way to rich soil which has produced good fruit.

The miracle of the births of Courtney, Zach and Erin brought joy and wholeness to us. But again, it was tough stuff that came first. The first months of those pregnancies brought much throwing up, nurses, doctors, hospitals, IV's, and day in and day out hardship. You carried us through all of those months with your steady love, attention, and sacrifice. I will never forget how you loved me so well. You worked all day, and took care of me and then each of the subsequent little ones as we waited each pregnancy for the hyperemesis to end.

The miracle of Kyler coming into our lives to become our child brought a new level of trust and faith in God to our marriage. What a horrible time it was as we watched, prayed and advocated for him. It was by the hand of God that he made his way home and completed this family of ours.

I loved that on our ten year anniversary we renewed our wedding vows. Though we had always believed in God, attended church regularly and had all the right verses read at our wedding, we had a desire to put Him in the center of our marriage. Having renewed our individual relationships with Him, we wanted to mark the season when we intentionally put Him as the head of our marriage. This was good, and I love this marker in our marriage.

I knew twenty-one years ago when I married you that I was marrying someone I could trust completely. I knew you were good, kind, thoughtful and strong. Again, only the surface, over twenty-one years, I have seen what is beneath that. It is integrity, character, ethics, values, and faith.

On that day, twenty-one years ago, I believed that because we loved each other it would always be easy. How naive! It has taken intentional efforts, difficulties, sacrifice, forgiveness, grace, God, humor, hope and even a little counseling to stand on the other side of these twenty-one years.

As I write this today, I look into the future and I believe in twenty-one more years I will see even more depth. We will have more experiences, more family members, maybe even more moves. There will be grander and deeper roots and more precious fruit.

Just like our wedding day, I have no idea what the future holds, but I know who holds our future, and I know whatever it is, I will experience it with you.

With all my love,
Sheri

Summer Weight

2011-07-19T17:13:00.001-04:00

You can find me here today
talking about Summer Weight.

This is Faith...

2011-07-15T00:19:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday I experienced faith in church. Let me explain...

On our worship team this past Sunday was a mom who had her third baby seven months ago. Seven months ago she also lost the twin that was her fourth baby. But her healing, comfort, and even joy have been restored and she led with a hand in the air in worship. It felt holy to me to see the restoration work of the LORD.

Also on Sunday during one of the worship songs, our pastor's daughter - who was in front of us - appeared to be dancing. It was as if she couldn't stand still - the joy and worship was coming right out of her feet! It was amazing to experience this because her dad is in the battle of his life - for his life. (See below for links) It was pure joy to see this and is living proof to me of God's providence and light even in the midst of darkness.

What I saw in these two women on Sunday was:

the hand of the Lord.
the healing of the Lord
joy - found in the Lord
mourning turned into dancing.

What I saw was faith.

I do not have it within myself to restore myself.
I can create happiness, but my joy comes from the Lord.
I love many things, but I worship the LORD.
I cannot see Him.
I cannot touch Him.
Sometimes I don't even feel Him,
but I have faith in Him.

These two women would have every worldly reason to sit down, hands in lap, even turn from God....in anger, from agony, in disbelief, but they don't. They have faith in what is unseen. Thank you Carrie and Ashley for leading me to the goodness that is God.

(I wrote something down that Pastor Stan said years ago...You may not see His hand, but your gonna have to trust His heart. That is faith. Amen, Pastor Stan, Amen.)

Click for: Face Down & Getting Up to Follow

Sometimes Being a Mom is Hard

2011-07-13T10:45:00.003-04:00

I am over at Moms.FortWayne.Com today.
To read about the challenges we moms
sometimes feel, click here.

A True Tale of Sisters

2011-07-07T00:34:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time there was a family. A very large family.

There were three sisters, and one sister that they didn’t even know was their sister until they were older. (She was once called a "sister-in-law" but she felt just like a sister so they changed her official status)

The four sisters were all married,
One was married to a man who could fix anything ~ from dangling car mirrors to flying car top carriers.
One was married to a very funny man, who was also very brave and courageous.
One was married to a future farmer of America (for they had just bought 68 acres and there was now talk of cows, goats and such) who was also known for his culinary skills.
And one was married to a hunter, fisher, gatherer who had many temperature issues, which sometimes caused thermostat wars with one of the sisters.

The Beautiful Sisters

One of the sisters was beautiful. She had a heart for constantly looking out for the interest of others, even when she herself was shortchanged. She welcomed orphaned animals into her home and loved them with a compassion and empathy that was renowned throughout the land. She loved deeply and laughed loudly.

The other sister was beautiful, she had a deep faith that carried and guided her ways. She was very funny, as well as intelligent (though neither she nor the oldest sister could count by 9’s). She lived far, far away from the other sisters. She was dynamic, talented and could even do cartwheels.

The other sister was beautiful. She was the one who found her sister's when she was an adult. She was known for her grace and poise, peace and calm. She was intentional as she mothered, intentional as she walked through her marriage, intentional as she developed her friendships and intentional as she sought her God.

The oldest sister was beautiful. Sometimes she was also a mother to the sisters. She loved her sisters deeply, she prayed for them often, she felt blessed constantly by the love of the very large family.

The sisters had many children, eleven in all.

The very large family sometimes took vacations together, twice to be precise.

They had been to the hot beaches of South Carolina and to the cold lakes of Minnesota. Once the sisters even met in the windy city of Chicago, but one of the sisters on that trip was an impostor (though a perfect and lovely impostor) as the real sister was home with her family - tending to important and tender matters.

There were two sixteen year old boys named Zach & Zack. They loved football and singing for the family talent show. The had great adventures in the ocean and on the lake, even reminding their parents of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn as they paddled on the very windy waters one day. They were great examples to the younger boys in the big, big family. Both of them were very funny and spent their days knowing their own reality show would one day indeed be a reality.

There were two other boys, one had just become a teenager and one was almost a teenager. The one that was working towards being a teenager was very independent; he liked his i pod, the TV and sleeping! He was interested in games and even learned how to play cribbage with his cousin and his “aunt” on the trip to the lake. He looked up to his oldest cousin, and liked when they got time together. The new teen had never been to the ocean and loved that trip very much. He missed out on the trip to the lake but had the gift of many days in a row with his very first sisters and brother, proving that families are made up simply of people who have an abiding love for you.

There were three teen girls who were not above being silly and fun and they never gave the impression that they were too cool for anyone. (Although they did moan and complain about getting up to see the sun rise one morning.) They gathered the young ones, did puzzles, gave puppet shows, took walks on the beach, loved to have water adventures and more. One was confused and wore her Christmas sweater in summer, one was rather quiet and was almost done being a teen as she was soon to turn twenty, and the other one was very kind-hearted and could often be found painting her nails and the nails of others…using very bright colors.

There were two little boys, ages seven and eight who had pool noodle fights and hunted for sharks, crabs, and “free firewood”. They played together and they played separately. One of them loved to spend his time padding around the water, in kayaks and paddle boards, and the other loved to play in the sand, catch minnows and he even lost his tooth one trip. (That little boy was lucky to be alive because one of the sisters kept trying to kill him with peanut butter, (which was a very strong allergen) but that’s another story entirely.)

There were also two more girls, one going into 5th grade and one going into 6th grade. The older girl loved adventure, loved the water and didn’t think twice about heading out to help rescue the moms one day as they were stranded in the middle of the lake. The younger girl had many, many, many stories to tell, she too would join any adventure. She loved to fish and wished her mom would give her fiber pills and comb her hair gently. (That poor, poor girl.)

Most of the sisters did not live near to each other, (though two of the lucky ones did) but they used text messages, phone calls, emails and even Skype to live in each others lives, keep tabs on the husbands endeavors and keep track of all those children’s activities, challenges and accomplishments.

Then magically, or faithfully as some liked to believe, they came together for these big family summer vacations where bonding was renewed, fun was had and laughing was non-stop. (The husbands sometimes referred to this as "cackling" which the sisters found quite amusing.)

When the vacations came to and end, and the cars were packed, it was always very hard for the sisters to say good-bye (sometimes they even cried). This was because they never were sure when they might come together again. But as they hugged each other one last time, there was one thing they knew for certain, they were deeply and profoundly connected.

To be continued……………………..

Growing Up is Hard to Do....

2011-07-05T23:45:00.000-04:00

I wrote about Erin over here

I Have Some News!

2011-06-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

Moms.FortWayne.Com has invited me to be a featured blogger on their site! This is a wonderful opportunity and I am honored and excited! What that means is I will still be writing here, and I will also be writing different content there. The goal is twice a week over there and I am shooting for twice a week here.

Sometimes the challenge of writing is coming up with topics to write about. Now that I will be writing even more, I am inviting you to send in topics you would like me to consider writing about. You can leave them in the comments below or you can email me topics at shericarlstrom.gmail.com.

This week my first posts were posted at moms.fortwaye.com. I introduced myself in the first post and I wrote about the time consuming project of getting ready to go on vacation!

You can read them both here!

My Time with Mr. Trouble

2011-06-23T15:06:00.001-04:00

With Zach and Erin off at church camp this week and Courtney working all day, its just me and Mr. Trouble at home all day, every day, all week. I'm gonna be honest, I was not looking forward to this. In fact, quite selfishly I was trying to figure out if there was a camp I could send him to this week. (I know, real Young Mother of the Year material right there). I was envisioning me at home all day, every day, all week...all by myself.

But I have to say its been a nice week with just him. I am grateful for the time we have had together. When school let out two weeks ago, his spirit relaxed and day to day interactions have been more pleasant. I have him signed up for a conditioning class three mornings a week at the high school and that is going really well. I believe it adds structure to his week, and the hard exercise is probably good for his whole being. I also have him make a weekly chart of daily goals. I think its important for him to set some goals so that he feels like he is accomplishing something.

In errands we have been running, he has been very helpful to me and even expressed gratitude when I bought him a hot dog and some ice-cream the other day. He swept the front porch for me last evening and asked if we could put the clean sheets on his bed together.

He was working a few days ago with a mentor of his and Kyler told him his summer was going great. When Mr. Carroll asked him why he thought that was, Kyler said it was because Zach was gone, and then added that Erin was gone and that Courtney was working all day. (Now at that time Zach and Erin had been gone 1.5 days, not the entire summer!)

When I told this to my sister, she said, what he really was saying was that he is happy for the time with just me. He just said it without saying it. He's fiercely loyal to his birth mom and has a very hard time attaching to me, but this was his way of expressing a connection to me without really saying it.
Hmmmmm....

Whatever the feeling, whatever the reason, I am glad for this week. I have shared some tough times here with Mr. Trouble, and so I was excited to share that this week he has been known to me as Mr. Enjoyment.

Sisters in Summer

2011-06-22T00:04:00.001-04:00

There isn't really anything to say, I just love this picture.

Investing in What Matters

2011-06-17T11:11:00.007-04:00

Relationship building ~ it always takes time, sometimes money and usually some sort of sacrifice. Let's face it, there is a cost to build relationships. With overly busy schedules in our culture, time is probably our greatest gift, but sometimes it is the hardest to give. But I am reminded over and over, it is relationships that hold us together, sustain us, bring us our greatest laughter, and our most valued and intimate support.

With relationship building in mind, our family is headed once again on a week long vacation with my two sisters and Kevin's sister and all the families. (We're hoping my mother-in-law will also join us for a few days this time.) Two years ago we rented a house on the ocean, this time it is a cabin on a lake. There will be eighteen of us gathering for a week of cousins connecting, swimming, spoons, much coffee in the morning on the porch and some beer around the fire in the evening. A week of deep conversations, shared meals, ice-cream, walks, laughing 'til tears are streaming down our faces, of pancakes, fires and s'mores dripping from our chins. (I do have pictures of this, and no Jamie you cannot post them, and Tracey, quit laughing!)

I believe we each make this trip because of the investments we've been making all along. We travel to each others homes, even though 500, and even 1,000, miles separate us. We call and email and text to share the big things and the very little things. We pray for each other and ask honest advice from each other. We bear each others burdens and forgive each other when needed.

This is blessing ~ we weren't always this close. It didn't just happen, it took, and it still takes, investment. I know right now, this trip is coming at a higher cost for some of us, and it would be easy to not come because of other things and people who need us right now. But the time has been set aside, the travel plans are in place and the pay off is coming soon.

Relationships take investment ~ but once deposited, the
payoff is something that cannot be calculated.

Click here to read more about investing in relationships,

and here to read about growing relationships.

Sidelined

2011-06-12T20:58:00.000-04:00

It takes a lot to knock us moms off our game, but last week a fever and horrible body aches knocked me way off of my game; I spent 36 hours either in bed or on the couch. Although there was much on my plate for the week, and my kids and others were counting on me, there was nothing I could do.

Late in the afternoon on day one Courtney sent a text to ask how I was feeling. That was so thoughtful. Then later Erin received a text message from Courtney letting her know that she (Courtney) would be making dinner. Wow. With Kevin not likely to be home in time for Erin's softball game, Zach said he would drive Erin to her game and stay to watch her. Nice.

It is amazing to watch these children grow up, sometimes right before my eyes. Every so often I miss the little kids that they were, but I am amazed constantly by the young adults they have become.

I'm glad to be healthy and back in the game now, but seeing how the other players moved to make sure things got covered assured my time on the sidelines was not a total loss. Thanks team. Its heartwarming to know you've got my back.

Shifting Gears

2011-06-09T12:37:00.001-04:00

Today, this went on our front door:

It's the last day of school and I feel like my kids ~

I can't believe its finally here!

Late nights ~ here we come!

Sleeping in ~ I've been waiting for you!

No worries about homework, projects and tests ~ YES!

Friends over in the middle of the week for a sleepover ~ Yes, you can!

Bike rides to the ice-cream shop ~ of course!
Badminton net ~ set it up!

Pool ~ let's get that membership!

Watermelon, s'mores, hot dogs, ice-cream, pasta salads, grilling, and dinners on the patio ~ can't wait

Summer camps, bug spray,sunscreen ~ bring it on!

Sitting on my front porch, sitting on my back patio ~ this is what I love.

I love the summer shift. I really, really do.
Welcome, summer! We've been waiting for you!

Really, Congressman, really?!

2011-06-07T17:36:00.005-04:00

Dear Teenagers of Mine,

Today its been all over the news that New York Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate pictures of himself to women. (after lying about it for several days) So, I have to take this opportunity to talk to you again (you know how I am) about cell phones.

I love that we have cell phones. It is a wonderful and even effective way for us to communicate. We've talked and will continue to talk about being responsible with your phones. We've talked about not texting anyone you don't know, about not texting what you would not say to someones face. We've talked about not texting excessively. We've talked about texting and driving. I've read your messages and I will continue to "spot check" your messages.If you want complete privacy, then become an adult and pay for your own phone.

Since I believe knowledge is power, let's talk again about the camera on your phone, and let's talk again about sexting, (I'm sorry that in 2011, this is the conversation I must have with you but unfortunately it is.) In 2009 the Pew Research Center found that:

4% of cell-owning teens ages 12-17 say they have sent sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude images of themselves to someone else via text messaging.
15% of cell-owning teens ages 12-17 say they have received sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude images of someone they know via text messaging on their cell phone.
Older teens are much more likely to send and receive these images; 8% of 17-year-olds with cell phones have sent a sexually provocative image by text and 30% have received a nude or nearly nude image on their phone.
The teens who pay their own phone bills are more likely to send "sexts": 17% of teens who pay for all of the costs associated with their cell phones send sexually suggestive images via text; just 3% of teens who do not pay for, or only pay for a portion of the cost of the cell phone send these images.

This data reminds me that there are many peers around you not thinking. It reminds me that you are at risk for sending, but even more at risk of receiving an inappropriate text message. It reminds me there are many around you not being inappropriate but also, that many around you are being appropriate.

Sometimes I forget what you are up against as you navigate through this life. But today I was reminded (via all network and cable stations) that sometimes even grown-ups who we trust to be wise and appropriate, are not. Sometimes even those we deem intelligent and living above reproach, are not.

My every expectation is that you will display wisdom, boundaries, maturity and purity with that phone in your pocket. That you will be more responsible and mature than even some adults. I believe in each of you.

Love,
Mom

Here's a good resource, That's Not Cool.
Here is one more true great resource on this topic.

Getting Up to Follow

2011-06-05T19:37:00.000-04:00

When I woke up the morning after hearing the pathology report of Stan's (our pastor) brain tumor, I thought I would feel better. I didn't. But I knew I was going to pray with some others that morning and there was hope in that. We read scripture, sang worship songs, prayed and talked. This news is too heavy to carry alone; it weighs me down and fogs me up, I have to give it Jesus and trust in the love of the Father. I had a great need to worship with my church family this morning, and I know I need to be led through this.

Fortunately, Stan Buck, the founding and lead pastor of our church, is leading still, and its some of his most powerful leadership. He trusted God immediately and completely with the news of the tumor. On May 31, he posted this on his Facebook page:

My soul is finding rest, my body is healing! Feeling very good, sensing a deeper renewal coming in my body, mind & Spirit! This surgery surprised me - but this season of healing is allowing me to go deeper and grow!Embracing this weakness, becoming stronger by grace! (2 Corinthians 12:9 I'm grateful - prayed for - finding a peace in being made more whole in being who God has created me!

One of our other pastors has met with Stan and reports back that Stan keeps saying that nothing defines him except for this: he is a Bondservant of Jesus Christ. (You can click below to read more about that term.)

On his CaringBridge web page the other day, his wife wrote that Stan is feeling physically good (which is amazing, considering he just had brain surgery) and that he is enjoying playing the piano and guitar and singing songs to the Lord. Singing songs to the Lord. What a leader. The power of his leadership today is undeniable. The places he is taking us, without even talking with us (he is fasting from email, texting and Facebook), is deeper than I have been. He is reminding me of David, assaulted yet singing songs to the Lord.

Stan has been our pastor, our friend, our leader, my boss (while I worked on staff for four years), and my mentor in many ways. He has been one to re-direct me as well as tell me that he is proud of me, so this is personal. The day Stan received the pathology report, he wrote down a few words for his daughter to post on CaringBridge, it ended with this: My soul finds rest in God. (Psalm 62).

So I guess mine will too. Lead on teacher, we are following.

Bondservant Previous Post: Face Down

Face Down

2011-06-02T22:42:00.002-04:00

I'd like to say I am still standing, but it wouldn't be true. I will be tomorrow, but tonight I am on the floor. A leader, a friend, our pastor received word that the tumor removed from his brain, that two weeks ago no one even knew was there, hasn't had the last word yet.

The fight is just beginning, and the warriors are spreading the news that its time to get in position. But the position many are finding tonight is prostrate. Maybe this isn't the worst position to begin in. To be prostrate is to cast (oneself) face down on the ground in humility, submission, or adoration. I feel humbled as I lay here knowing there is nothing I can do to make this better for our friend, his wife, his daughter, or his other daughter. I feel submitted to God, who will determine what is next. I adore the one whose feet I lay at, for he is the one to restore peace, confidence, healing, and that which we don't even know to ask.

Tomorrow I will stand back up. We must stand back up. We are waging a battle and the truth is, victory is already ours. Tonight, rest if you are down, because tomorrow we are going to get up ~ and we will stand strong. Our leader is living for God's glory - and we will join him in that.

Then David said to the whole assembly, "Praise the Lord your God." So they all praised the Lord, the God of their fathers; they bowed down, prostrating themselves before the Lord and the king. 1 Chronicles 29:20.

Love Notes in my Pantry

2011-05-30T23:33:00.005-04:00

My mother-in-law, Verona, left twenty-six days ago. I miss her terribly. She was here in our home for ten days. Six of those days Kevin and I were in Utah and she was here cooking and running our kids around. She was also baking and reading and walking our dog. She was cleaning, taking naps and sitting at softball games. She was checking homework, helping with projects, loving our kids and being an amazing grandma, mom and mother-in-law.

I respect Verona a lot. She raised four kids, three of which were boys...one of those boys made her believe he would be an only child (this would be the one to which I am married). She is a mother-in-law to three women and one man, and I am constantly learning from her how to be a mother-in-law. She is a wonderful cook (many of the recipes I make are from her), she also has much order in her home. She is intelligent, a good friend, and much more.

I am always looking for others to help me in this journey of mine, knowing Verona would be here and working within my kitchen, I gave her free reign to reorganize anything she wanted. If she thought a different arrangement or system would serve me better, than I told her to please re-arrange or at least let me know what she thought when I returned.

I returned from Utah to children who felt loved and deeply cared for, cupcakes and muffins on my counter, cookies in my freezer, clean sheets on our bed, a completed puzzle on the dining room table, a basket-full of expired canned and boxed goods from the pantry and these notes on my pantry shelves:

Its been twenty-six days since she left and the notes remain still. Her handwriting in my pantry greets me each and every time I open that door, it tells me she was here ~ a little bit of her presence, love and care wash over me. We have lived many, many miles apart for nineteen of the twenty years I have been married to her son, and I am reminded how blessed I am, and how much I sometimes crave her presence in my life. When I grow up (even more than I am now) and am in her position as the mother-in-law, in many, many ways, I want to be just like her.

Is there a special way your mother-in-law touches your life?

Another Request Presented

2011-05-25T23:01:00.000-04:00

Our baby girl sat us down for her first presentation the other night. She wants a Facebook, which we have said she could have when she reaches high school (in the fall), but she is advocating for permission to get one now.

So she gathered her thoughts, put together a PowerPoint, sent it to her sister for initial response, and then asked for a specific time to meet with us for her presentation. The more times we go through this process the more I am convinced this is one of the best parenting tools to utilize.

We learned a lot through her presentation. We learned that her strongest reason for wanting to get one now is that she has five friends moving out of state this summer and sees this as a way to keep in touch with them as they each already have Facebooks.We also learned in this culture many invitations happen through Facebook and she misses out on some stuff because of this. Hmmmmm....I didn't know this.

She walked us through the privacy settings she plans on putting in place - it was good to know she had thought about this part of the process as well. She said she would give us her password, and follow the guidelines we already have in place for her older siblings.

She told us she didn't need a Facebook to know how many friends she had or if she was popular or not, and that her goal is not to see how many friends she can get. She is so wise. She also said she knows other friends get together outside of school without her so she is prepared to see pictures of her friends together, without her. Again, so wise. Some of us adults would do well to really think about the pros and cons of Facebook and decided if we are mature enough to handle the status updates, pictures and other social dilemmas that social networking brings.

If you have never asked your kids to present their requests to you in a well thought out format, I would encourage you to consider it. We have been impressed each time with how much thought our kids have put into these requests. And maybe, just maybe, its possible that the act of having to gather their thoughts to present their requests makes them more intentional and causes them to think beyond simply getting what they want. And maybe, just maybe, we can be convinced to change our minds.

Click here and here to read more about Presenting Your Request.

These Days

2011-05-24T22:52:00.004-04:00

These kids of mine - Summer 2009
Erin 12, Kyler 11, Courtney 17, Zach 14, me....younger :)

So this week....
Courtney started a full-time (paid!) summer engineering internship. I loved the two weeks she was home from college but not yet working. We had time for shopping, lunch, the Y and more. I love that she is working and learning and growing...and I am preparing myself to FULLY experience this summer with her because next year she may be working out of town at a co-op job. Sigh. It's good. Really it is, said the mom to herself. And somewhere in her heart she knew it was true.

Zach got his drivers license today! On my gosh....another teen driver in our house...and on our insurance (!) sigh. As we he was driving home from the BMV, I realized how much I will miss picking him up and dropping him off. This time alone in the car has been a great way to touch base, to hear about his day, to have him alone. I won't miss driving him to football conditioning and practice at 7:00 am on the upcoming summer mornings...except that in a way I actually will, knew the mom.

Erin turns fourteen this week. Fourteen. We shopped for her birthday gifts - which were not baby dolls and Polly Pockets. She is wrapping up her last twelve days of middle school and is heading to high school in a few short months. How did this happen to our little bundle of joy? wondered the mother who still sees the crib in the nursery window somewhere in her minds eye.

Last week I wrote of Kyler, this week I am mindful of the other three. Although, I will say that Kyler did give us a change of spirit; it has been here for 48 hours. I can't recall the last time his spirit has been soft - I'm not kidding, its been that long. So there is a gratitude for the grace of God upon this one. Thank you Jesus, whispered his mom.

It happens so quickly, yet really, just one ordinary day at a time. Our time is fleeting...and that is if we even have the time we think we should. Intentional - even in the grocery shopping, errand running, dropping off, picking up, game watching, homework helping, TV watching, making popcorn days. Because really, these are all the days we have, remembered the mom.

A Few Days Later

2011-05-18T11:49:00.003-04:00

"Today" (below) could not have been titled Moment. I knew the anxiety and despair I was feeling was running fairly deep. That is why I chose to write about it here, because this is where I share my tale. Like the real world, sometimes you will come to visit and my house is in order and we will talk about the funny and good stuff going on, but sometimes you will come over and my house is cluttered and there are piles on literally every surface. (Where does all this paper & clutter come from?!)

I didn't expect anything from that post, I just wanted to be real with you. There is some good stuff going on in this journey and there are also some really hard times ~ such is each of our lives. What I received from sharing this hard part was some great encouragement. Some of you posted prayers, encouragement or even your story in comments here, some on Facebook and others via private message or email. I have read them all. Thank you.

The last few days haven't been easy, the anxiety hasn't disappeared (although it is more moments than complete days right now). I have been reading the Bible and praying daily. Its been interesting to see that as I pray one day, I will read verses the next day that echo my prayers from the previous day. My daughter said she believes this is God affirming that He is hearing my prayers.

Friends have been praying for us, and have shared verses and devotions with me (which has been great, God's word is the best word right now). On Monday I was reading and Proverbs 24:16 stood out ...for though the righteous fall seven times, they will rise again... I shared this with a friend and she wrote back, that she believes I will rise again, but that until I do, she will lay with me where I have fallen and pray over me. This image has been a powerful one.

My point in sharing this today is that I believe on some level its easier to not let others in when we are buried in clutter, have fallen or feel overwhelmed. We can feel embarrassed or ashamed about what that looks like. We try to protect ourselves from the judgment of others. But what I have found over the last few days is that though the situation hasn't resolved, (and I am seeing the therapist tomorrow and I did go to the gym today...doing what I can to be healthy in mind, body and soul) the despair is beginning to dissipate and the anxiety is more moments than days. God has been able to reach me in multiple ways using people because I let you see the mess.

If you are in a tough spot today, consider opening the door and letting someone in. Know that all of us have clutter on the counters sometimes (and the table, and dresser and washing machine). Know that when you allow others to wade through the mess with you, in turn they may allow you to lay down and pray over them when they fall.We learn we can trust each other for each other.

Today

2011-05-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

Its been a tough week with the youngest. I knew welcoming this one back two and a half years ago and his adoption at age eleven would present some challenging times. I knew that. I trust that God has placed him in our hearts and in our home. I do.

I also admit that sometimes I am afraid. Afraid that I am not up to the challenge. Afraid that he will never change. Afraid that although God could heal him at any moment, that He may not. Afraid because he has evolved from a boy who cannot be trusted to a teen who cannot be trusted. Afraid that when my heart gets to this place, that it may not find its way out.

Fear. This is not a good place to be parenting from. I know this too. Fear not. Have faith. Be strong and courageous. My help comes from the Lord. Be encouraged. Even this, the Lord has overcome. I know all of this too. I do.

Today I have cried on Kevin's shoulder, and I have resolved to make a therapy appointment for myself this week. I do not have hope today, but Kevin does, so he will have it for both of us.

When I began this blog last year as the National Young Mother of the Year I made a commitment to be authentic. This post may border on raw, but it is real. I met a woman in Utah a few weeks ago who said she appreciates when I write about the challenges of this adoption. She said I have a voice for the many adoptive families that are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I also recently spoke with a mom who heard from a mutual friend that we have experienced some challenges and was wondering if we could set up a time to talk as they are as well and don't really know where to turn.

Although I hate these feelings, they are real, and it never occurred to me that others would benefit from these struggles. But if some can benefit from reading about texting, drinking and presentations, and others can benefit from some of our hardships, then it is good to share from both of these places.

Trusting in the Lord and leaning not on my own understanding, this is how I know I will come out of this. But for today, this is where I am.

More than Enough Room

2011-05-10T22:59:00.001-04:00

Have you ever gone back home as an adult, walked through the doors and slid back into the role, or position, you had as a child? Do you suddenly become the baby, middle or eldest? The favorite, the prince, the ornery one, the trouble maker, the responsible one, or the peace maker? I have been thinking about this a fair amount as I anticipated Courtney returning for the summer after her first year away at college.

One of the joys of parenting these kids is seeing who they are becoming. I believe the basics of personality and character are in place, but there is so much more of them yet to unfold. As I wrote here, it has been a year of change for each of our kids. I took a little time to talk to the baby and the middle one the day we drove to retrieve the eldest. :) I brought to their attention that they had each changed and grew in this past year and that I hoped that they would walk in that change even as things went back to feeling "normal" with the return of their sister.

We send our kids off to the next phase (college or independent living) with hope and expectation of growth and change. So I believe its important to not put them back into their same places when they come back home; they won't really fit there anymore anyway, and this is a good thing. I want my kids to leave home and then be comfortable coming back bigger, broader, and wiser. But I'm not sure this comes naturally to us parents, for me it has been an intentional thought process.

I heard a mom say today that she was disappointed when her family didn't do an Easter egg hunt this year. (her kids are in college and high school) She said that no matter how old her kids get, she wants them to hunt for eggs. This sounds to me as if she is trying to preserve what has been...for her sake. But I think when we do that we prevent what is...for all of our sakes.

I get that I am new at this stage of parenting. I know that I don't even know what I don't know. I believe there are seasoned parents reading this who have experiences of which I am completely unaware and may be shaking their heads at how naive I am.

I just know that if I expect my kids to quit changing because it makes me sad then I will miss out - and they may end up pretending to be someone they are not...just to seem like they fit. That is exactly the opposite of what we taught them - please don't be someone you're not just to fit in.

So, welcome home Courtney, stand tall Zach, Erin and Kyler. You are each becoming really great young adults and there is room enough in this mother's heart and mind to accommodate all that you are and all that you will become.

Making Room

2011-05-09T10:21:00.002-04:00

Our family has grown ~ it happened while Courtney was at college.

As we were driving to pick her up and move her back home for the summer, I realized there had been much growth over the past nine months. We need to make room not only for all the stuff coming back home, (where are we going to put that futon?) but we are going to need to make room for all the growth as well.

Erin grew into her spot as the only other woman in the house. She became even more helpful, more intuitive, and grew in responsibility and maturity. She grew into herself a little more, she is more confident and carries herself a little taller. Her relationship and even friendship with Zach definitely grew, I see her rely on him in ways she hadn't before. I have heard them laugh and seen them help each other in new ways these past nine months. She sobbed when her sister and best-friend moved out, but now rejoices as she makes room for her to come back and share her room again.

Zach also grew - he stands not only taller, but sturdier as well. He easily slid into the leader of the pack spot when Courtney went to college. He grew in reliability and strength. His shoulders became broader not only physically but relationally. I saw him use them to allow Erin to lean into him when things with Kyler have been chaotic. I remember one day in particular when Kyler went into a rage, Zach cheerfully said, "Hey Erin, let's go outside and play catch." He knew to remove his little sister from the environment that felt a little scary. He has grown in his faith and even in character. Also, in a few short weeks he receives his license and we will need to make room in the drivers seat as we go from two to four drivers.

Courtney is not the same young woman we left in that dorm room nine months ago. She grew so much this year. She, too, is much more confident. She returns with wisdom and life experience gained while forging her way through life while away from us. She comes back to us with new personal strength as well as cooking skills! (She has requested to make dinner twice this week ~ I'm not gonna kid you, this is an area that delights me!) She drinks coffee now, is used to keeping her own hours, and to coming and going without checking in. She has grown in ways that have changed her at the right time and in the right ways.

Our family is growing, and this must propel us forward. We must expand and widen who we are and how we see each other to make room for all this growth. I will write my thoughts about that next time....

(Kyler has grown as well. To be honest, as I sat down to write this I was discouraged to not be able to measure his growth in obvious ways, but I realize one significant growth area. When we brought Courtney to college, he was not allowed to go with us, his behavior was such that he would have ruined this important and significant day for the family. (It was on the advice of his therapist that we find an alternative way for him to spend that day) When we made plans to move her back home, we didn't even question taking him with us. It felt good to have our family together that day and so I do measure and count that growth.)

Love is....Sometimes Hard

2011-05-06T11:10:00.001-04:00

Kevin and I were talking about our marriage last night. We are 20 years into this thing and we were talking about what makes it work for us. I told him I thought much of the credit went to him; he is very self-sacrificing. He has a focus on making sure he meets my needs, (and also many of my wants). He puts me first...a lot.

He said I get much of the credit because I hold things together. He sees me as the one to make sure things get done. I am the organizer and accomplisher of many things for our family.

I don't think we keep score. Let's face it, if we did, we would each have our eye on each others weaknesses, and according to what we said about each other, we would each fall short...constantly. Instead, it appears we have our eyes on each others strengths, and give credit where and when credit is due. We appreciate and are thankful for what we each bring to our marriage.

We weren't always this way - early on we were more protective of our own selves. I'm not sure we trusted each other completely to meet each others needs, we probably put more effort in guarding what we felt entitled to. Our focus was more on our own selves than on each other. It took marriage classes, books, guidance, mentoring and even a little therapy to trust each other with each other.

Many of us have had this passage read at our weddings, Love is patient, love is kind... This sounds beautiful as the pastor reads it and we stand in the church with our hands together and our eyes locked in love. I have to admit it sounds completely different when I am tired, angry, hurt, empty and selfish. It is then when I need to make this verse more personal...

Sheri is patient.
Sheri is kind.
Sheri does not envy or boast.
Sheri is not proud.
Sheri does not dishonor others.
Sheri is not self-seeking.
Sheri is not easily angered.
Sheri keeps no record of wrongs.
Sheri does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth.
Sheri always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I'm not sure my purpose in sharing this here today. Maybe its just that sometimes marriage is hard. By nature, we are selfish. Maybe we all need the reminder to take our eyes off the other person and put it back on ourselves as we run ourselves through the filter of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7.

Maybe reminding myself of the higher calling of love in marriage will help me continue to love Kevin well.

More Than Fun & Games

2011-05-05T21:44:00.003-04:00

This is one of my friends, I don't think she wants me to share her age, so I won't. In fact, she wasn't sure she wanted me to write about her, but eventually she agreed. She said I could use her picture, but not her name. In the end its about her inspiration....but she's pretty so I wanted you to "meet" her.

We were at a luncheon to benefit Healthier Moms and Babies today and as we spoke, I learned she had a "small heart attack" in January. When I discovered her age (one of the details I won't share) I asked her what she does to stay so youthful. What she said inspired me and I knew I had to write about it.

She used to be pretty active, but since the heart attack she hasn't quite had her energy back so she works to keep her mind active. Currently, she is teaching two people how to play cribbage. I love this. She didn't give up, she figured out what she could do and did that. She loves teaching the game because it means she has company and she gets to use her mind to stay active.

What she said next really made me smile -

"I also play Wii...to keep a little physically active."
Smiling and with a little wonder in my voice, I asked "What do you play?
It turns out that she bowls. So do I.
"I'm pretty good at bowling." I tell her.
"So am I." She said.
She asked my high score, I said I didn't know, I just know I beat my kids at Wii bowling.
Her current high score is 260. Sometimes she bowls with her left hand to challenge herself. If she is too tired to bowl, she sits on a chair and bowls. "At least its something active." she said.

I want to be like her when I grow into a wise woman of the ages. Actually, I want to be like her now. I want to make sure I am looking for opportunities to challenge and stretch myself. I want to think outside the box. I want to bowl a 260!

At the end of our time together today I asked if I could take her picture and write about how inspiring I find her. She teared up.She doesn't think she's that inspiring. She said "I just do little things." I told her that I believe it is the little things that make the most difference; that most of us can identify with the little things. She agreed. She hugged me and I received permission to write about a woman who I am going to invite over so we can have a bowling tournament. I'm going to try to beat her. I have a feeling I won't.

Back to Simply a Young Mother this Year

2011-05-03T01:04:00.003-04:00

I write this as I sit on a plane coming home from the 2011 American Mothers National Convention. I am officially a past National Young Mother of the Year and am headed back to Indiana to join my life already in progress as simply a young mother (as a 46 year old mom, I have decided to keep that part of the title). Shawni Pothier is the 2011 Young Mother of the Year and is a wonderful, authentic, and inspiring young mother.

I spent time in Salt Lake City, Utah with inspiring and wonderful mothers. Some who are parenting children with special needs (as is Shawni) with the love, strength and fortitude of only a mother. Some who spend much time and energy, spreading love and support within their communities. Whether through the support of military families, placing food in the backpacks of school children for the weekend, or raising money for causes they hold near and dear, these mothers are nurturing and contributing far beyond their own families.

One of the things I love best about the national convention of American Mothers is that it pulls me away from the dailies of laundry, carpool, groceries, practices, dinner and more to inspire me through the stories of moms I would never otherwise meet. I believe sometimes we moms need time away from our families to gain perspective.

I certainly can get caught up in the dailies….let’s face it, there are so many. But I am returning home with the bigger picture in mind again. The reminder that as I parent in the dailies, I am effecting the direction and destination of our children. That parenting with intention doesn’t just happen, (thus the word intention) but that even as I value that, I still lose focus sometimes.

My greatest desire is that our kids leave our home as confident young adults. Confident in our unending, deep, abiding and passionate love for them. Confident of their faith in Jesus and secure in why they believe what they do about their faith. I want them to have explored the gifts and talents they have discovered thus far. I want them to have secured the belief system that serving others is simply what you do. That being honest, kind and giving is rewarding and fulfilling. That they know lessons learned in failure are better than no lessons at all.

As the plane descends, I look forward to landing back in my life of parenting with renewed focus and intent. Thank you American Mothers for the opportunity to step away and be inspired.

Kevin Steps in

2011-04-25T22:09:00.000-04:00

As I write this, it is exactly one week from the day that Sheri will watch a mother be named American Mothers, Inc.’s 2011 Young Mother of the Year. We will no longer be able to refer to Sheri as THE Young Mother of the Year. We kid her that she will need to “give up her crown.” The reality is that there is no actual crown, and Sheri is even more humble about her abilities to parent today – especially when she compares herself to the other mothers in her network – than she was when she was named the 2010 Young Mother of the Year.

In honor of the passing of an age I decided to hijack Sheri’s blog and share the words I spoke at an event honoring Sheri this past year:

“Before I met Sheri I had a mental picture of what my wife would be like. She would be perfect in every way. Perfect hair, perfect face, perfect body, perfect judgment, always said the perfect thing at the perfect time – perfect, perfect, perfect. Then I met the Sheri, the woman I would befriend, fall in love with, marry - the woman with whom I would start a family. As it turned out, she was not perfect. However, it is in her imperfection that Sheri has become an incredible mother.

When our children were very young, Sheri recognized that she was not a perfect parent, so she sought help. She signed us up for parenting classes. She read books. She found mothers who had walked the parenthood path before she did and sought their council. She has taken every opportunity to learn to be a better mother.

Because she is not perfect, Sheri has made parenting mistakes and has learned from them. She has developed a set of experiences and tools that cover a wide variety of parenting issues. Mentoring younger mothers is a passion of Sheri’s. Since she has shared similar struggles, she is able to relate to young mothers’ challenges and is a very credible and sought after mentor.

And since Sheri has never been perfect, she has made mistakes in her life. Through those experiences she has been able to relate to our children’s struggles. She is able to anticipate trouble, and can speak to our kids from a place of empathy and compassion. They do not feel judged, they feel understood.

There is no better proof of this than the words of our eldest daughter written for a scholarship application prior to Sheri receiving the national title:

‘My mother’s wise advice, peaceful demeanor, and balanced life have not gone unnoticed, and she recently was nominated for the Young Mother of the Year award. She is currently Indiana’s nominee for Young Mother of the Year. This acknowledgment is something of a joke in our family, as my mother would never seek attention or reward for her efforts to be the best mother she can be. My mother is, truly, an amazing woman. She is selfless. She is resourceful. She is wise, intelligent, and empathetic. Her ability to know how people are feeling and relate appropriately to their emotions is impressive and even uncanny. Most teens vow never to become like their mother, but I aspire for the opposite: I hope that when I have my own children, the guidance and love of my mother shines through my character.’ ~Courtney Carlstrom, 2010

So Sheri is not an incredible mother in spite of her imperfection. She is an incredible mother, mentor, friend, and wife because she is not perfect and has used that to her very best advantage.

Sheri – we love you and are very proud of you. You deserve every acknowledgement you receive. You are OUR Mother of the Year EVERY year. Love, Kevin

This is a note to any husbands reading this blog entry: (Wives, feel free to show this to your husbands) Mother’s Day is coming. Write your wife a note letting her know why she would have your vote for Mother of the Year. It will be a gift she will cherish.

He is Risen!

2011-04-24T08:57:00.002-04:00

Easter 2008

My friend Janna wrote a great post about her kids and Jesus.
Click here to read it ~ Happy Easter!

The Team

2011-04-23T09:48:00.003-04:00

I believe being on the team, in the band or part of the club is important in school - especially in high school. Yesterday I saw another reason our kids' involvement can be vital.

Through football and wrestling, Zach has come to know Landon pretty well. Landon lost his dad to cancer last Monday. I cannot imagine. The grief my son felt on behalf of his friend was apparent. He immediately did what he could to let Landon know he was there for him.

Yesterday was the funeral. It was something to see so many students sitting as a group in the front of the church. The support these kids showed was a sign of community, care, friendship and love. On one side of the church, the grief of the family penetrated the entire room. On the other side of the church the quiet support of the kids made a statement no one could miss. We are here for you.

One of the football coaches spoke about the first time he met the father, Tim. Tim had introduced himself and when the coach mentioned what a hard worker Landon was, Tim asked if the coaches would also help him watch his grades. Instant community, a village mentality, let's help each other, all of this was there. A support team created for the family as well as the son.

The coach also spoke about the night the father took him aside after a game and told him about the cancer. He and his wife were going to tell their three kids that evening and wanted the coaches to know. The father was asking the coach to look out for his son, he was in for some rough times in the next days. At one point he also told the coach, I may not be around for Landon's senior year, watch out for him for me.

Because the son was a part of a team, the father had a team to tap and the assurance that someone had his back.

Being a part of the team, band or club is important, it gives our kids a place to belong and connect. It creates accountability, character, discipline and more. It also creates a circle, which can close in tight when needed. It grants influence and assistance to other adults who can be there when we cannot.

Rest in peace Tim Hughes. The team has stepped up to the line.

There's the Money!

2011-04-20T10:09:00.001-04:00

I told the kids in my group (see "Where's the Money?" below) to consider going home and asking for time to talk with their parents about what they learned this day. With their new awareness of how to set a budget, the time seems ripe for them to practice this new skill. I told them to ask their parents to consider giving them a monthly allowance; from this allowance they would set their own budgets for the month. Imagine your kids not asking you for money for every little thing. Imagine kids who enter college knowing how to budget, save and not go into debt. Imagine a next generation of leaders who understand living within their means.

Kyler's Budget System

For over ten years our kids have been receiving these funds. When they receive their budget amount they have to sit down and put each dollar into envelopes or categories. When they were very young, the categories were simply Tithe, Saving and Spending. The tithe was to go to the church. The spending was at their discretion - if we were checking out at the grocery store and they wanted a pack of gum, they could buy it with their money. The saving was long term, we told them once it entered the saving envelope it wasn't coming back out, it was to go to the bank for their future education and vehicle. Any additional income from babysitting or lawn mowing must go through the budget process.This system has given our kids freedom to spend and responsibility to save.

Today, Kyler still keeps envelopes, but the other kids have evolved to budget spreadsheets. Their categories have expanded beyond the three basics, they now include categories such as:

Vacations - for their own discretionary spending while on family vacations.
Presents - for friends.
Football - we allot Zach an amount each year to spend on new gear, because his taste is of the very high end, the amount we provide doesn't meet his wants. He saves some of his money all year to supplement what we give him for football.
Shoes - again, we allot an adequate amount for new shoes each year - if they want $100 shoes, then they have to make up the difference.
Lunch - I budget an amount each month for school lunches, if they want more than that, they are responsible for that amount.
Clothes - this also allows them room to spend beyond what I budget for them. Recently we were at the Chris Tomlin concert and Zach and Erin both wanted a t-shirt, neither asked if we would purchase them, they simply bought their own.

Erin's Budget Spreadsheet

A few years ago Zach decided we should have a PlayStation 3; we have a PlayStation 2 which worked fine. So he added a PS3 category to his budget plan and one day approached us to ask if he could purchase a PS3; the answer was yes. Erin purchased her own i-Pod last year, and after six months of saving, Kyler is $23 dollars away from purchasing a DS for $129.99 (plus the $9.00 in sales tax).
I am passionate about teaching our kids how to budget. I don't want them to live under the oppression of debt (as Kevin and I did early in our marriage). I want them to be wise with their money today, and more importantly ~ tomorrow.

Where's the Money?

2011-04-19T22:59:00.005-04:00

Field trips are not my favorite thing (this confession brought to you by the 2010 National Young Mother of the Year...just another reality check here on that title), but I do love the 8th Grade Junior Achievement Finance Park field trip. I believe this is the most important field trip the kids in our district participate in at this age.

Upon arrival at Lincoln Finance Park, they receive an envelope which states their life situation for the day. They discover their age, if they are single or married, whether or not they have kids, occupation, annual income, and taxes to be paid. From that information they will set a budget based on minimum and maximum amounts for each budget category, and they will receive many, many options for purchases. Such as for the house and vehicle they will purchase, (along with corresponding insurance). They will budget for clothing, entertainment, a benefits package, groceries, home improvements, utilities and more.

It's incredible to watch these teenagers struggle to make decisions about which house to buy, how much to budget for eating out, why they cant buy the sports car - because of the need for car seats. In general just struggling with how much things cost. Its amazing to see them grasp what is must be like for their parents as they come and ask for money for clothes, movies, pizza, and more. The realization of where that money comes from was happening.

At the end of the day, with budgets stretched and cutbacks made, the Junior Achievement leader asked if there were things that parents have to budget for that were not on their budget sheets today. Their answers again showed the clarity they had gained....YES. Vacations, birthday and Christmas presents, gasoline to name a few. One kid said that when his parents say no to something, he now understands why.

When I asked some of the kids in my group if they received budgets or allowance, they all said no. When I asked them how they get money to go to movies or to buy things, they said they just ask for money and their parents give it to them....check back here tomorrow to find out what I suggested to them!

A Mother of the Year Moment

2011-04-17T22:55:00.001-04:00

I had just walked into church and stopped to greet to a friend who was sitting in the back holding her grandson. As I walked away I ran into my friend Jill, and with an exasperated laugh and a huge smile, she said she went to drop the baby off in the nursery and realized she didn't have him! She retrieved him from his grandmothers arms and returned to the nursery check-in process.

We laughed together, because really, what mom can't relate? Seriously, this was funny.

(Keep in mind, I have forgotten to pick up my son from middle school football practice...twice...in a row, and somehow I still bear the title National Young Mother of the Year.) Tell me you can't relate to this.

Over Here....

2011-04-13T07:34:00.000-04:00

A few lines on aging over here.

God Places Another Soldier in the Prayer Box

2011-04-11T10:14:00.003-04:00

Three flights, that's what it took to get from my home in Indiana to Bismarck, North Dakota for an American Mothers engagement. As I sat in Minneapolis waiting for my next flight, I noticed a soldier standing near talking to another passenger. Oh, there he is. I thought to myself. I had forgotten about the soldier that I was likely to meet, but when I saw him I was not surprised. (If you don't know what I am talking about check out the links below.) I was sure when we boarded that he would be seated next or near to me, but he wasn't, and to be perfectly honest, I forgot about him.

As I waited and waited for my luggage in Bismarck, it became clear that it wasn't going to arrive on the carousel. I wasn't the only one, there were two of us without luggage; me and the soldier. Of course.

So I chuckled inside and walked over to him. "We don't know each other, but I have a thirteen year old daughter who has a heart to pray for soldiers. Each time I travel, there is a soldier on my plane, it's my job to get his name so she can add him to her prayer box and pray for him." I discovered his name is G. Cave and that he is leaving in August for one year in Afghanistan. He has a wife and six children and he said he would greatly appreciate prayers. Mission accomplished.

I wondered out loud if my bag had arrived earlier because of a missed flight I had due to a delay. He said that wouldn't be his case but walked with me anyway as I went to the counter to ask. Both of our bags were brought to us right away and off we went on our separate ways.

Believe what you want, but I believe his name is supposed to be in the prayer box, and God did what He did to make sure that happened. I am amazed as God continues to put soldiers in my path, and that He has placed this ministry of prayer upon the heart of my child. Be safe G. Cave, you and your family are being prayed for in our home.

A Daughter, a Prayer Box & Soldiers (April 2009) & Soldiers in the Prayer Box (February 2011)

Guest Blogger ~ Zach on Zach's Trip to El Salvador

2011-04-06T20:33:00.000-04:00

Helio, Quito, and Me

Well I am writing on my mom's blog today about my trip to El Salvador. My dad and I went with a group of people from Habitat for Humanity. We left on Saturday March 19th and got back the following Saturday, the 26th.

There we experienced many cultural differences like when we went to the market and people were selling things that they had made to make a buck for their family, and this seemed to be the prime place for people to sell and buy just about anything. I quickly noticed that the language barrier was not a big deal. Now, I'm in Spanish 3 in school, but I also learned quickly that three years of Spanish in school does not help a whole lot in a country where everything is spoken in Spanish. I could translate a little and understand some, but that was the extent of it. But we got our main ideas across, and on most days had a professional translator.

I'm just going to throw this out there, everyone in El Salvador is poor. But, all of them are also happy. I did not encounter a single person who was mad because they didn't have the latest T.V. or car or a big house; they were happy with what they had. Who can say that here in America? Us Americans feel the need to have the newest things, newest technology, we treat material wealth like it's a competition. Like that Best Buy commerical where everyone is mad because they just bought something and they learn that there is a newer one out. I'm just saying, maybe we can learn from the El Salvadorians.

Our Work Group

So we should be happy with what we have and be happy with our friends who have the newer things. Because in the end, are you happier just after you bought the new 3D T.V., or after you helped change someone's life? I realized that I was just helping to build a house, they were helping to change me as a person just by living their lives.

I will definitely go back next year, not only because I can help build a house, but because I can witness some of the happiest people on the planet, and walk with them to reach that same level of joy. Because this happiness is not something that you can get with material items, but by sharing the love of God. I think everyone should go on a mission trip because you realize how you can change the world, not only by providing help to others in some way, but also by providing help to yourself.

The Power of the Presentation

2011-04-01T11:22:00.000-04:00

Kevin and I received a PowerPoint presentation the other night from Courtney. She is planning her second year of college and wants to move to a new dorm...which will add to the college bill. While she is responsible for a portion of her tuition, we pay the balance, so adding to the bill without a discussion would certainly lead to a discussion!

She texted us to ask that we jump on Skype. Once we were all on, she pulled up a PowerPoint and walked us through each slide. I have shared previously about the process of presenting requests, (see link below) and once again I was made aware of why I think this process is valuable.

Articulating what you want is a foundational skill to have ~ in a family, friendship, marriage or the work environment. Her presentations have always begun with what she is trying to achieve and why.
Presenting an understanding of what it will take to achieve your desired outcome is also an important skill to have. This helps you create a plan for yourself, and if it involves others, it shows an understanding of the cost or consequence to them. It has meant a lot to us that she has been able to see beyond what she wants and consider our perspective.
Putting together a written plan for achieving your outcome is an invaluable skill. It is what will propel you forward. Her plans reveal that she doesn't feel entitled to the outcome for which she is hoping.
Concluding and waiting for a response is also valuable. Although our culture is an instant, I want it now, I don't have to wait culture...giving time and space for processing allows for a more thoughtful response.

I am sharing this here because as parents, it is our greatest honor and responsibility to guide our children into being responsible, mature adults. Personally, I sense much of the younger culture feels more entitled, less responsible, more independent but less able to stand securely on their own. I believe our process is a tool we use to fight that.

I also believe this process creates a broader view and understanding of desires and helps our children become responsible for moving themselves towards their goals...whether that is getting a pet, going on a trip with friends, or moving to a new, more costly dorm. As our oldest, Courtney has been leading the way in the area of presenting requests and she has blazed the trail in a manner worthy of following.

So Erin, I know you are waiting for this summer (the summer before high school) to get a Facebook page, but instead of just getting one, I believe you will have to gather your thoughts and present your request.
Love, Mom.
P. S.You're welcome.

Click here to read "Present Your Request"

Wondering....

2011-03-30T09:38:00.003-04:00

I'm over here today.

2011-03-24T08:54:00.002-04:00

The Smart Ones

You can read it here.

5 New Parenting Responses

2011-03-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

Our daughter just went back to college after being home for spring break. The parenting style that was effective when she was a teen living in our home wouldn't be effective now that she is adult-ish and making her way in the world. So I need to grow with her.

One of the things I love about being a mom is the challenge to keep moving. If I stayed in the same place in my parenting, I would be standing alone. To maintain influence in her life, I need to change and grow as well.

Here are a few of the ways I can measure some of my movement:

1. Letting her sleep until the afternoon without saying anything other than "You must have been tired" (Compare that to, "Don't you think its time to get up?")

2. Not expecting her home for dinner. The conversation went something like, "What time do you want me home from dinner?" My response was along the lines of, "Well, we are eating at 6:00, but I don't expect you home. I get that you're home on spring break and heading out with friends, if you make it home, great, but if you have other plans, have fun!

3. Though she had an interview in the morning and it was getting late, I did not text her and tell her it was time to come home so she would be well rested. I trusted her to make her own decision.(This one was a little harder, but I did it!)

4. When having a discussion, I was very cognoscente that she trusted me to confide in and that I needed to be trustworthy to respond in a way that drew her near, not pushed her away.

5. I didn't do her laundry. I let it sit all week in her room. I didn't harp on her all week about this.

I am new to this role of parent to a young adult and since she is the one affected by how I live out this position, I value her input.The night before she left to go back to school, we talked about how the week went. With summer on the horizon, it seemed important to ask her if there was anything she felt that didn't go very well. What I love is that she asked me the same question.

Although I am confident I will need to recalculate my navigation on this new path once in awhile, for right now I believe we are headed in the right direction.

I love learning from others, what do you have to share about your journey in parenting a young adult?

Hanging On So I Can Let Go

2011-03-17T07:53:00.004-04:00

I remember that it was very exciting when we began college visits for Courtney. I also remember the first pain that hit my chest as I suddenly realized how much everything was about to change, and how very much I would miss her.

I recently realized that next year at this time we will be doing the same thing with Zach. He will be mostly through his junior year at this point and the process will begin again...with another child of mine.

Last week Courtney sent me a text message that said she was on campus and had seen a guy who looked much like Zach. She said it made her heart hurt a little as it made her realize that very soon Zach will be that old. I wonder if that meant she felt the first twinges of realizing that as they each move to the next stages, our family structure will change and none of us really knows what it (we) will look like when we get there.

All of this makes me wake up even more to the little, every day things that make up who we are. Soon this 6'2" blond boy of mine will have his license, so for today I enjoy dropping him off and picking him up. I hug him a little more tightly as we say good night because I can. His sense of humor brings much laughter and lightness to our family and I don't want to imagine how we will all miss that, so for today I wrap myself in it.

As these kids of ours become young adults I realize more and more, that this is it. The time I have right now is the time that is really mine. And it is fleeting. Most of us are in the same house (we're all in the same house when Courtney is home from college). We're all in the same state. There are no spouses. There isn't a lot of competition for family time. The nuclear family is intact. And so for now I will take in, soak up, and hang on to what is in order to prepare to let go, so that I can embrace what is to come.

I Wonder....

2011-03-13T20:01:00.001-04:00

Our church is on a 40 day journey. The question we are being asked to ponder is "I wonder what would happen If..." and fill in the blank.

I filled in the blank, you can read what I wrote here.

A Sober Topic Revisited

2011-03-08T14:25:00.068-05:00

Six months ago I wrote A Sober Topic, a post on teen drinking in the home. That article has been visited almost 5 times more than my next most popular post. (!!) It has been viewed almost daily since it was published in September 2010.

So, I'm curious...what do you think the interest in this article is about? At the suggestion of a friend, with prom and graduation parties on the horizon, I am planning on sending this article in for a column in our local paper. Before I do that, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Five to one ~ what do you think that is about? What are your thoughts on this topic?

Click here to read A Sober Topic.

7 Life Lessons from a Duck

2011-03-06T21:58:00.002-05:00

Sometimes . . .

1. You get your ducks in a row and something comes along and blows them away.

2. You have to stick your neck out for the ones you love.

3. You just have to roll with it.

4. You need to check on your friends.

5. You have to shake it off.

6. You need to take a moment to re-group.

7. You have to look unfazed and get back in the front to lead.

Parenting Tools / continued...

2011-03-03T14:42:00.001-05:00

I'm excited about the parenting resources you are leaving here! Resourcing each other is a great way to get excellent, tried and true tools in our hands!

I really want to hit the mark of 25 resources here - so far we have 7. I thought about settling for less, but believe in this case, more is better...which is why I am also increasing my offer. I will now give away 2 different resources to 2 different readers (I will send the winners their book via Amazon, so your location doesn't matter!)

So if you have not left a comment with a book or other resource, please do so so we can all be enriched, challenged and taught during our season of parenting! Here is the link to Intentional Parenting, the post below, of which I am speaking.

I Gotta Go....

2011-03-02T08:47:00.004-05:00

I wrote here today about
cell phones and cashiers.

Also...the Give Away continues,

see the post below, and leave a comment with a favorite parenting resource. When we reach 25, I will give away one of mine to one of you! I'm adding one more resource that I loved when our daughter began dating.

Intentional parenting...

2011-02-28T08:02:00.015-05:00

...it's one of my passions. I remember this concept coming into focus nine years ago. My oldest was turning nine and I realized at that point that we were half done with our time with her!

Of course, there is more time than that, but I was going on the expectation that she would be leaving for college and my day in and day out living with her would come to an end. That my day in and day out opportunities to guide, influence, smile at, tuck in, look across the room at, hug and reassure were at half-time. This awareness caused my heart to skip a beat, but it also made me even more intentional.

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking to the MOPS group at Sonrise Church about this topic and I referenced several books we have used in our parenting journey. I am putting this list here and what I appreciated about each one.

The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Kenneth Taylor
I loved that the stories were simple and short, but what I appreciated most were the three questions at the end of each reading. It provided us an opportunity to talk about the story and ensure comprehension.

Sticky Situations - 365 Devotions for Elementary Kids by Betsy Schmitt

We used this book at dinner as a way to talk about topics that we might not otherwise touch on. Our kids enjoyed it when we pulled this book out.

Praying the Bible for Your Children by Heather and David Kopp
Kevin and I continue to take this book out and pray the prayers written in this book. We love that there is an open space for us to insert our kids names into the prayer and that the prayers are scripture based.

An Introduction to Family Nights: Family Nights Tool Chest By Heritage Builders
This was a really wonderful and creative way to begin some fun and meaningful family interactions. So much fun!

Journey to the Cross by Helen Haidle
This is an exceptional resource to use during the Lent season! We have used this several years in a row. We read it at the dinner table and have learned much about the many symbols of Easter as well as some history and context. (I love when I can learn even as I'm teaching!)

Resurrection Eggs - Not a book but an excellent resource for sure! It's a dozen plastic eggs filled with the symbols of Easter. There are also little stories that explain each symbol. This is when my kids really understood the story and symbols of Easter.

Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell
I attended one of Dr. Cartmell's workshops when my kids were younger and learned so much! This book is full of great insights and practical family tools. A book I recommend frequently.

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell
If you have not read the original The Five Love Languages book, I would recommend that as well. This is especially helpful for the marriage. (just sayin')

The current book I am reading and recommending is You're Wearing That? by Deborah Tannen. I am loving this book because it is providing some enlightenment about mother-daughter conversations. I am sure I will write more about this soon.

Now, something fun! A Give Away!! Because I love to share resources, I am inviting you to share about book or other resource you have found helpful in your parenting journey.

Here's the deal:

Leave a comment with your resource name and the reason you liked it. If I receive 25 comments from 25 different people, I will throw all of you in a hat and draw a name. If its you, you can pick one of my resources listed here and I will send you a new copy!

Feel free to share this blog with others to ensure we get 25 comments! I cant wait to hear from you!

Resources shared so far by readers:

Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
Because it keeps us focused on remaining non-emotional, simple, intentional - and letting natural consequences, reality discipline do the work. It just makes sense - simple and intentional. ~ Myah
Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof. ...because it talks about how our kids benefit as parents partner with the church and vice versa to make a greater impact than those two influences alone...encouraging for me as a mom to think about how my own kids will benefit as I "widen the circle" and intentionally involve other godly adults in their lives. ~ Deanna
Interviewing Your Daughter's Date - 8 Steps to No Regrets by Dennis Rainey We LOVE this book because it gives the blueprint to talking to our daughter's dates about her value and our expectations. This can feel like an awkward conversation, but one we cannot be afraid of having. ~ Sheri Carlstrom
Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Cloud & Townsend. It has taught me to be consistent without raising my voice, and how to teach my kids that my no means no regardless of their reaction. ~ Janna
Passport2Purity - By Family Life
Parenting Today's Adolescent - Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the PreTeen and Teen Years by Dennis & Barbara Rainey
So You're About to be a Teenager by Dennis & Barbara Rainey. The reason I love these resources(#5,6 & 7) is that they gave us a very deliberate time to have difficult, uncomfortable, hugely important conversations that might otherwise be easy to put off until "tomorrow." For more on these resources, click on "Comments" and read more from Debbie.

2011-02-25T12:19:00.001-05:00

You can find me over here today.
I wrote about Quarterly Meetings.

A Real Man

2011-02-24T08:22:00.004-05:00

Brian Marshall was a great man. He passed away in 2004. Kevin and Brain had become friends through the workplace, and when we work closely with people we learn a lot about who they are and what they stand for. Kevin got to know Brian pretty well and was impressed with his character, integrity, intelligence, work ethic and values.

When it became clear that Brian's life on this earth was coming to an end due to cancer, Kevin wrote him a letter. The letter had a few purposes, Kevin wanted Brian to know what he thought of him and of his impact, but even more importantly, Kevin wanted Brian's boys to know what kind of man their father was. He knew due to their young ages they might not remember. Kevin wanted something in writing for those boys, something they could turn to at any time, a way for them to know what others thought of their dad.

When Brain passed away his wife shared the letter with their parents and then with their pastor. The letter was printed, in part, on the back of the funeral program. Here is that portion of the letter ~

Brian,
I used to think I knew what it meant to be a man. A man is big, strong, tough, brave and independent. To some extent that's true. I have discovered a REAL man is much more than that. A real man is intelligent, righteous, honest, selfless and courageous. It is hard to be a real man. It is lonely being a real man. It means putting your needs last, no matter how great your needs are. It means taking care of others, when you deserve to have others take care of you. It means being a leader when you aren't sure you can find your way. It means being brave when those around you are frightened. It means taking the right path, not the easy path.

Seven years later Kevin found out just how much those words resonated with someone else. In recent leadership training at work the concept of the shadow of a leader was discussed. This is when those in positions of leadership, through their behavior and actions, tend to influence the behavior and actions of those around them, thus “casting a shadow".

A co-worker, Steve, stopped by Kevin's office this week and told him You don't always know who you cast your shadow on and what kind kind of meaning it has. He wanted Kevin to know that the letter that was read at Brian's funeral cast a shadow on him and that those words have been influencing him since. He has kept the funeral program near and has even used Kevin's words to teach his boys what it means to be a real man. He then gave Kevin a box which held a plaque etched with the above words.

Our Real Man
(in El Salvador)

I am grateful for many things today ~

For men like Brian Marshall, who lived his life - literally to the last day like a Real Man.
For Steve, who gave the plaque to Kevin. He surely has walked with intention in the ways of a Real Man, and I believe real men fortify our families and communities.
For Kevin's words to be put before me again. To recognize what a Real Man is, you must be one. Kevin is and we are blessed.
Grateful that our sixteen and thirteen year old sons have the definition before them. Not only is this the definition their dad uses, but it is who he is recognized to be; may they grow up to be Real Men.
Grateful that our thiretten and eighteen year old daughters have their dad as the standard. May Real Men enter their lives at the right time and may they recognize them easily due to the first Real Man in their lives.
To be reminded that we influence others, even when we are unaware.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others...

2011-02-14T21:32:00.023-05:00

Warning: I'm disgusted and the following may sound like a Soap Box post.

While watching the Today Show last week I saw an interview with Cee-Lo Green. It was during this interview that I learned who he is and that he has a song that as of today sits at #16 on the Billboard Top 100. Maybe you know of this song, I did not. Tyring to articulate my feelings about this song and its title is difficult. I'm appalled by it. Cee-Lo said his ten year old son is not allowed to listen to the song, and yet it pollutes the airways in which our kids listen. (Does he really think his 10 year old hasn't listened to the song? That his friends at school haven't talked about it?)

My thirteen year old daughter had heard this song on the radio and had heard the lyrics as "Forget You" but knew what the real lyrics were. When I asked her how she knew, she said kids at school have talked about it.

At the Grammy's on Sunday evening, Cee-Lo Green gave a performance of this song - with the MUPPETS. As in the Muppets that we associate with Sesame Street! We all trust that the Muppets would never teach our kids swear words, right? Except in addition to the implied F word, another swear word was also used during the performance.

This just makes me mad. Mad that we seem to have no standards, no boundaries, nothing is off limits. In fact we bring the guy who sings these words onto a network news show and gush over him. And now, we can associate the Muppets with singing lyrics and words we would punish our kids for using.

I have no idea why we struggle with so much disrespect in our culture. No idea at all.

I am aware there are many, many awful songs out there with horrific lyrics. I don't listen to that music and can avoid it fairly easily. The difference is that this song came at me through the network morning news and through a prime time network TV.

Yesterday I posted Love is Patient here.

Wrestling Woes and Whimpers

2011-02-13T22:22:00.014-05:00

I received this text message from my sixteen year old son today, "This is the craziest thing i have ever seen".

He is a wrestler for the high school and was volunteering his time to help run an all day meet; most of the kids participating were 5th grade or below. When he got home at the end of this long day, he was shaking his head and saying again that it was the craziest thing he had ever seen.

"What was so crazy?" we wondered. "Parents." was his response. Parents provided the crazy in the day.

Parents who:

yelled their kids
yelled at the refs
argued at the refs
swore at the refs
swore at their kids

He also witnessed one father get in the face of a ref, referenced his judgement with swear word terminology (in front of his small child), then told his son the reason he lost is because of the ref. So that was a lesson that was probably caught. (fyi...had he gotten the one point which was in dispute, the son still would have lost)
There was also this:
A second grade boy who after losing his championship match said "I suck." His dad said, "Don't say that" (Nice. Good job, dad) Then the kids said it again, "I told you I do, I told you I suck!" To which the dad replied, "I'm gonna beat your a** if you say that again." (Ummm...ok, not nice.)

Then there was the preschool boy who was wrestling, was losing and was saying to his mom through his tears, "I don't want to play anymore". This made Zach and the other guy at the points table feel bad for this little boy. Zach said, "His parents were riding him way too hard. I mean he was 4 or 5."

Zach also overheard one adult ref say that he used to think bears were the scariest animals, but then he met pee wee moms. (Ick)

There were upsides though. He enjoyed the hospitality room. Just kidding, well, not really, he actually did say that. But also, there was the parent who came up to the high schoolers at the points table after the dad yelled at the high school ref about the one point, and said "You guys did a good job at that last match." Nice.

I don't even know how to sum this up. I guess I just wanted to share the observations of a sixteen year old boy who spent the day with a bunch of cute little kids and several ugly parents.

Soldiers in the Prayer Box

2011-02-02T21:59:00.031-05:00

Several weeks ago I learned of a soldier at Brooke Army Medical Center receiving treatment for severe burns he received in a combat operation in Afghanistan. Nearly 40% of his body is covered in burns and he is enduring painful grafting and therapy. Recovering can be long, painful and can feel stagnant.

One of the blessings of my sister and I owning our own company is that we can send our product to others when we feel prompted. (you can click here to see our website, old website - but plans are in the works for an updated site) We believe marking and recording each and every, even the very small, improvements or blessings can keep a heart and mind focused on the forward progress that can be missed in times like this.

Anyway....as I was packing for an American Mothers National Board meeting in San Antonio, Texas, I grabbed a stonemarkers kit to give to another board member who would have the honor of meeting this young soldier and his wife. Erin, my youngest daughter, saw me grab the kit and asked why I packing it. I told her the story and gave her his name for her prayer box. (see The Prayer Box post below) Her heart and dedication to praying for soldiers (and others) continues to inspire me; she is faithful to pray for the names in this box.

As I left for the airport, Erin said good-bye and reminded me to get the name of the soldier who would be on my plane. (Again, see the post below and click on the link to read the back story to this) We laughed and I said I would, not really thinking there would be a soldier.

When I got to my hotel room, I sent her this text message: The soldier's name on the plane is Randkins, he is headed to Iraq for ten months. :)

Randkins may be in Iraq, and Ronnie may be in a hospital, but they are also in her box, which means they are also before the Father.

(As a follow-up to this ~ Erin said that the first night she prayed for Randkins the word that came to her mind was "Leader". She said since that night she has prayed for his leadership as well as his faith, strength and courage.)

Read "A Daughter, a Prayer Box & Soldiers" here. Originally published on April 26, 2009

The Prayer Box

2011-01-28T08:16:00.008-05:00

Today I am posting a link from April 2009 titled A Daughter, A Prayer Box & Soldiers.

Click here to read it ~ I have a little story to add to it tomorrow, but thought this was worth re-visiting first.

The Gap

2011-01-27T11:29:00.022-05:00

1. A break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.

2. a missing part; gap

3. any gap or opening

I recently returned from a six day hiatus from my life as mom, wife, taxi driver, chef, volunteer and more. I was in San Antonio, Texas for an American Mothers national board meeting for a few days, which I then extended to Dallas to visit a friend for a few more days.

Six days away for a mom is a lot ~ in terms of time, and also in terms of what we do on the front end to prepare. We arrange rides, supervision, schedules, meals and more. Then there are the things we miss; games, tournaments, weekend family time. But there is also the substance (and sustenance) we gain ~ quiet, time and space for thoughts to move about more freely, to linger longer, to unwind to depths we might not have reached otherwise.

I needed a break in the continuity of my work as a mom. I needed to create a gap. I needed an opening. And the truth is, I didn't even know it.

Don't we all need that gap - regardless of our vocation? I would not have scheduled this time away. I needed a reason. The purpose of the post today is to encourage you to find a reason for a hiatus. To be creative when looking for a reason and location. If your break comes within the walls of a friend's home, be bold when planning and let your friend know your purpose so that you build in quiet time. I had the luxury of a hotel room for a few of my days (and some great private space at my friend's), but this may not always be the case.

Time away allows us to move from thinking about how to accomplish the urgent in our day to planning for how to accomplish the important in our lives. Take a breath, look at your calendar, plan ahead...way ahead if you need to, and create a gap.

Growing vs. Maintaining

2011-01-12T16:28:00.032-05:00

667 miles separate me from my sister Jamie.

594 miles separate me from my sister Tracey and my sister-in-law Kalie.

1,234 miles separate Tracey and Kalie from Jamie.

There are other things that separate us as well ~ time, finances, schedules and work. So we call, text, IM, Facebook and email to stay in touch, keep current and maintain our relationships, and I appreciate ALL of this.

But a few months ago, we planned a weekend to overcome all of that and meet in Chicago for a "Wicked" Sister Weekend. Tickets were purchased, reservations made, and anticipation built. Then life happened and my sister Tracey was unable to join us. (You can read about that here.) With non-refundable expensive tickets, Kalie invited her sister-in-law, Amy, (a perfect choice) to join the "sister weekend" and off we went.

It was amazing. It was so much fun. There was so much laughter. There was a really wonderful dinner, a fantastic musical, a great bottle of champagne, a hotel in the heart of the city, valet parking, cab rides, shopping, funny, funny lines we will remember for a long time, matching sweaters (not intended - which made it even funnier), a church service, a quite dinner, popcorn, and so much more.

We created new memories with each other, we grew new connections with Amy, and we remembered that removing ourselves from our day to day lives revives us, relaxes us and energizes us. We can't wait to do it again, and we will as soon as Tracey can join us.

I value face to face time and shared experiences. This is why I planned a beach vacation for our families, why I meet my high school friend Diane at a favorite coffee shop when I am back in my home state, and why I drive 90 miles (one way) to meet my friend Barb for lunch. I know I can maintain my relationships with phone calls, texts, IM's, Facebook and emails, and understand how tricky it can be to plan these get-aways. But I believe it takes shared experiences to grow the relationships.

If someone has come to your mind as you have read this, consider getting some time away to connect, laugh, share and grow your relationship. Its not usually easy to do this, but then valuable, important things ~ or people ~ are worth the investment.

(I posted A True Tale of Grace here yesterday)

Perspectives....

2010-12-29T19:37:00.003-05:00

I posted here today.

Christmas Eve 2007

2010-12-24T10:35:00.017-05:00

...let the little children come to me... Luke 18:16

Gina, Brian and their four young daughters had spent the entire day at her parents celebrating with family. Now, as they slipped into the back of the church for Christmas Eve service, Gina surveyed those around her and became painfully aware that her family had arrived not in little red dresses and black shiny shoes, but jeans, sweatshirts and tennis shoes. "Oh brother." she sighed.

When the pastor invited all the children to come close for the children's message, Gina groaned and then watched as her eldest, Bethany, scurried down the isle hugging everyone she knew on the isle seats. As the pastor complimented the little ones on their fancy attire, Gina wanted to leave.

Then he asked this question, "What are we waiting for tonight?" Bethany's hand shot straight up in the air and "Hanukkah!" came forth. After clearing that up he asked another question, "What is something you've had to wait for"? Again Bethany's hand shot straight up and she said, "Well, I've had to wait for my mom to wake up from a nap. Wait, and wait, and wait and wait." Gina's head found its way into her hands.

As my friend told me this story I was laughing with her and feeling her pain. As a mom with young children at the time I identified with wanting to feel joy and pride in the way our children represent our family. I want to be the mom whose children are dressed nicely and give the answers that tell we know Jesus in our home. Not necessarily the one whose child has sat down in the middle of the song, in front of the whole church, to pick his nose, or flip up her dress. (I do recognize the pride here, I'm just being honest.)

I reflected on Gina's story a lot the next day. I thought about how it really was a great Christmas story.

Bethany, though a young child loves the Lord. I thought about how much like Jesus she really was. Had Jesus been at that service, I don't think he would have been any more dressed up than he normally was; when we read of the wedding in Galilee, there was no mention of his fancy garb. When Jesus walked among the people he would greet them along the way, remember how he called out to Zacchaeus - and he wasn't even near the isle, he was up in a tree!

Luke 18:16-17 says, "But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Oh, that we could all be a little more like Bethany - greeting, shaking hands and hugging all the friends we meet along our way. That we would wave our hand with excitement to give the answers, and that in our excitement we would not worry about shouting out a response that is different from what is expected. That we should all smile as big as Bethany does because she knows Jesus is in her heart.

I was not at this particular Christmas Eve service, and even if I had been, there is no way to be sure, but I am certain that Jesus was smiling at Bethany that night. Had Jesus shown up in the flesh, I can only imagine how I might have responded to his presence, but I believe, without a doubt, that a smiling Bethany would have run full blast into his arms.

I don't know about you, but I want to be more like Bethany.

Pizza with a Purpose

2010-12-22T21:37:00.012-05:00

When Courtney was a high school freshman, my friend Barb gave me some great advice. Courtney had become part of a group of girls that ended up in our basement often. I wondered what to do with these girls ~ wanting to embrace them without hovering. Barb said, "Feed them."

She went on to tell me to feed them something a little special, something they maybe don't normally get. Her speciality was home-made milkshakes. Not many people make those anymore so when she broke out the blender the girls at her house felt special.

My speciality became homemade pizza. They loved it, so I made it often. I remember the evening of her junior year prom I made a pizza for after the prom, another family ended up hosting the group of kids at their house but Courtney stopped home and grabbed that pizza to take with her. I would have loved to have had the group here, but I was delighted that a part of me went with her to the other house.

She is now a college freshman, and few weeks ago she traveled to visit her friends for a weekend at their college. I received a text while she was there that said they said they missed my pizza. It made me smile. I replied that I would make it for them over Christmas break.

Tonight my basement is full of girls home from college...along with pans of homemade pizza. I love that the simple act of making pizza impacted them. As moms, sometimes we don't know if we are doing things that matter, or if anyone even notices. But I think it does and sometimes they do. These girls would be here even without my pizza, it was Courtney's invitation and presence that brought them here tonight, but something simple that I did to serve them mattered. I like that. Thanks Barb.

Christmas Journey

2010-12-21T09:32:00.024-05:00

The "Reason for the Season", the "True Meaning of Christmas", cliches I constantly hear this time of year. Discovering Christmas is a journey for me, and each year I seek to be a little more wise as I travel and lead my children to the manger. Each year we arrive a little less weighed down by extras and a little more free to see the gift that awaits below the star.

(December 2005) It was two weeks to Christmas; not much time really considering I hadn't even thought of baking a cookie, taken the family picture for the card, written our Christmas letter and still had much shopping to do. I should have been in panic mode, but I was not. A few years earlier I began taking in some valuable lessons on being a parent during this season.

The lessons started on Thanksgiving, I learned that the holiday meal will taste no less delicious if your five year old comes to the table in sweats she has worn for three days and a pajama top. I had asked her to go dress for dinner; this is how she dressed. She had helped to set the table and prepare part of the meal, and had done it all with a huge smile. I decided to overlook the fashion faux pas; what was important was what she had brought to the table, not what she wore to the table.

Another lesson came through a question posed by my seven year old after gifts had been put under the tree. "Why do we get all the presents if Christmas is about Jesus?" Such an big question from such a small boy. In fact, the year before I had wondered the same thing on Christmas Eve as I surveyed all the gifts under the tree. If its all about celebrating Jesus, what have I done by adding all this stuff? It suddenly didn't seem right to give so much to each other but come to the King so empty handed.

That year we talked about a gift we could each give to Jesus. Something meaningful that we could lay at the manger. Ideas were reading our Bibles, praying, making wise choices. We each wrote down our gift, put them all in a box with a pretty ribbon to be tucked away and opened again the next year.

The following year we opened the box to see if we had indeed honored the gifts we had intended to present to Him. Some of us did better than others, though none of us gave the perfect gift. Which gave us an opportunity to talk about how God's grace would cover our shortcomings and that those shortcomings would not stop us from offering another gift that year.

One distinct lesson came directly from the Wise Men; it was to travel in the right direction. We have several Nativity sets and when the kids were small they would each pick a set to call their own for the season. They would set up the manger scene at the beginning of Advent and start the Wise Men far from the Nativity. Every night they would move their Wise Men closer and closer, arriving to worship and bear gifts to Jesus on Christmas.

As the Wise Men moved closer to the Jesus, sometimes I felt as if I was moving farther away, usually unaware; just too busy to think about where I was in the Advent journey. But that year I moved with the Wise Men closer to the manger. It was simple things that kept me focused that year. I felt content to sip coffee from a favorite Christmas mug in the morning, I felt happy to watch Frosty the Snowman with the kids, deliberate as I shopped for the gifts, which were fewer that year.

I read an article once that said there never has been and never will be our "picture perfect" Christmas. The first Christmas was dirty, cold and smelly. What makes me think I deserve more than that?

There will be years when I lose sight of that. There may be years in which we travel non-stop, there are bound to be meals in which I demand proper attire, days in which I am baking like crazy; occasionally I will feel crabby and overwhelmed.

But more and more I seek to revel in the moments of the season. Making efforts to be intentional about the direction we are taking, taking time to marvel at the absolute wonder that took place in a barn (or more likely a cold, dark cave) as we make our way to the manger to come and adore Him.

Read On-Going Efforts to Simplify Christmas Gift-Giving and My Favorite Christmas Gift

Journey....Moving

2010-12-15T17:39:00.011-05:00

I last wrote here about the journey with our adopted son. I was waiting at that time with a prayer, a plan and hope.

Well, we are still on the journey and I can tell you that its good to be moving again. The new medications are helping him to have more room to make the right choice more often. The new therapy and therapist seem to have met up with us at the right time and in the right place; confirmation to me that God has the map and we seem to be on the right path.

When we left therapy yesterday the therapist commented that he was very cooperative, this was great news because last week he was anything but cooperative. As we drove home I commented on his willingness to engage in the session and this is what he said, "Well, I figured God is taking me to a new place, so I will just go."

This is good. Actually its great. It made my heart smile. May he leave behind some baggage so that he can move to his new place a little less hindered.

As we drove, Lift Up Your Face, Salvation is Coming played again on that radio. "Its almost over", the whisper came again. May it be so.

Something's Leaking

2010-12-08T16:02:00.012-05:00

Courtney. My oldest child. My first unconditional love. Strong. Confident. Honorable. Beautiful. Intelligent. In many ways, wired so differently than me. This is good. This will serve her well. This also creates some challenging moments. We don't have the same path. There are many things that we see differently. Sometimes we outright disagree. Sometimes we even send messages back and forth that challenge each other. Even when it doesn't feel good, I know this is good too. Sometimes I worry. Sometimes I wonder what has and will stick from growing up within our hearts and home.

She has been somewhat pressed lately, and in that pressing things have leaked out. What has seeped out has been good. Its been strong. Its been confident. Its been intelligent. Its been honorable. Its been beautiful. It's not been easy. I'm so proud of her. I'm not sure if at her age I would have leaked out such a pleasant aroma. I surely would have been not as mature and certainly less wise.

I think this is an encouragement to us parents. What we pour in (good or bad) does take hold. Its good to be aware of, and intentional about, what that is. I'm beginning to see that our kids take what we give them and they work with it and mold it until it fits them.

Good job, my girl. Your mom thinks you're pretty terrific.

Can I See Your I.D.?

2010-12-08T15:17:00.007-05:00

A funny (and embarrassing) thing happened when I took Zach out for dinner a few weeks ago. (If you haven't read about the gift of presenCe, click here) I wanted to take him someplace he had not been to, someplace original and with great food; I thought of JK O'Donnell's. Kevin and I have been there a few times and I thought Zach would appreciate the Irish food and environment.

The problem was immediately apparent when we were approached by our waiter who carded us! So, duh....JK ODonnells is an Irish Ale House! In American terms, a bar. I was thinking about the food and the atmosphere, not realizing it was a bar! So embarrassing...on so many levels!

We did find another restaurant that he had not been to and we did enjoy a great meal together. But as I write this, I realize the name of that restaurant is not something you would expect either - Granite City Brewery. Oh my. Now that's Young Mother of the Year material right there.

My Favorite Christmas Gift

2010-12-07T20:13:00.029-05:00

Less presenTs, more presenCe. This was the message we received in December last year at our church. It was a great message series (I mentioned it here). In light of that, last year the favorite Christmas gift that I gave was a letter to each of my children which ended with the gift of presenCe. In each letter I told each child specific attributes I see in them, reasons they make my heart swell and more. Then I ended each letter with a promise of time.

Courtney received the largest gift. I figured with her leaving for college within the next year I wanted (and selfishly needed) more time. She and I went on an overnight shopping trip to Chicago, which also included dinner and a play. Erin was to receive lunch and an activity with me, Kyler was to receive an activity with me, and Zach got an evening where he would actually take me out (although I would pick up the tab). This gift would give twice; I would get time with him and he could practice all those niceties that he will need when he enters the world of dating.

Courtney received her presenCe the week before she left for college (a very hectic time). The planning seemed perfect, except then that week it felt like we were squeezing it in. In retrospect, it was indeed perfect timing. I know if I had not given her the promise of this gift and intentionally made the time, we would have missed connecting in the way we did - right before she left.

I am a little embarrassed to admit the others just received their presenCe. That's not to say we didn't experience presenCe this year - I mean I spend a lot of one on one time driving these kids around, attending games, gathering for family dinners and more. But I guess I wonder if we would have had this set-apart time if I had not intentionally reserved it last December 25th.

Reserving time, setting it apart, promising my presenCe. This was my favorite gift. A few days ago we were talking about Christmas gifts and trying to recall the material gifts we received - not many were recalled, but everyone remembered the gifts of presence Kevin and I each gave them. (Kevin also gave each one his own gift of presenCe).

There may just be less presenTs and more presenCe under the tree again this year.

All is Calm. . .NOT

2010-12-02T15:57:00.022-05:00

I had an opportunity to speak this morning at an American Mothers Christmas Brunch. I took a few moments to talk about how we moms set the tones for our homes and our families...and that the Christmas Season seems to be when the natural tone of our culture seems to one that is frazzled. Below is what inspired my words.

I remember distinctly standing at the stove trying to make dinner, incredibly crabby after a day with young children that seemed to have no end. My poor innocent, hard working husband walked in the door and was immediately assaulted with a barrage of complaints and commands.

He immediately used his large, loud dad voice to begin directing kids - which created more chaos and anger within me. I looked at him and said something along the lines of needing him to come in and be the one to bring the calm and peace (possibly using my nagging wife voice). Again, poor him. Imagine walking in, excited to see your family, you are assaulted before you can even put down your briefcase, you try to help and are assaulted again.

What he said has stuck with me all these years.

He said that I set the tone for the home and that when he walks in the door and I am at full throttle he just jumps in and gets up to speed as fast as he can.

I also remember what I said next, "Well that's not fair."

Whether its fair or not isn't really of any consequence. It is reality. As the mom who stays home all day and manages all that I do to run our family and our home, I do really set the tone. That doesn't mean he's off the hook and doesn't have any responsibility to redirect our course when we are heading towards the guardrail. I mean whose going to jump in the car heading off of a cliff? But he has no control over what he simply walks into at the end of his day - that's all me. Others (as in my kids) may influence that tone, but as the adult I'm the one charged with directing that influence.

Honestly, some days this feels like too much responsibility. I want to walk in the door and have someone else set the tone...and have dinner ready. (said the mom in a whiny voice) But he's right, it's my responsibility nonetheless. There is so little in life we get to control - there are so many influences that our kids face that we don't even know about. But I do have control over the tone and feel of our home. I get to use these walls and that door as barrier and create a sanctuary for us from the world.

I'm not saying this is easy or comes naturally. In fact, this can be quite challenging on a normal day. And now its December ~ and Christmas is coming. Culture is shouting, SHOP! BAKE! GET A TREE! HANG LIGHTS! DECORATE! PARTY! WRAP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! We can easily feel frazzled, overwhelmed and cranky while trying to create memories of peace, family and love. Ironic.

But, what I am saying is that with intention, we can set the tone for which we hope in our homes and families. It takes intention because if I let whatever is going on around me (or even within me) set the course, it could feel chaotic, crabby or even cold.

My encouragement to myself (because I needed this message today) and to you is this - think and pray about the tone for which you are hoping in your daily life and in this season. Then ask for some Holy Spirit whispers to help you achieve that along the way. Whether you have kids at home and the Spirit may need to shout a little, or whether your kids are grown and you will be bringing your tone to their homes over the holidays, as moms, we do indeed set a tone with our families. May it be the one we desire and may it be one that creates the calm and bright we sing of on Christmas Eve.

Be Not Afraid of the Red Kettles

2010-12-01T07:30:00.002-05:00

Its Red Kettle season, love it or be annoyed by it, but the bells are ringing ~ all the time and everywhere (at least that's what it seems when you don't have even $1 in your pocket!)

In December of 2008, our pastor, Stan Buck challenged us to put something in the kettle every time we passed one; to not walk in the other door to avoid it.

He tossed that challenge out again on Sunday. Be generous. Every time. He reminded us that even if we pass 50 kettles this season, if we give $1 per kettle, well...you can do the math...none of us will go hungry if we do this. So, if you can, than do. (Even if it means fewer lattes or one less gift)

This past Sunday he was teaching on God's Provision. He reminded us that last year we took our first ever Christmas Eve offering. In December, as a church, we took the Advent Conspiracy challenge which was to Spend Less and Give More. We then collected over $35,000 on Christmas Eve...to give away. The entire amount was not for us - it was to bless others. (It was also a special Christmas for our family as we gave less presenTs and gave more presenCe)

Then the earthquake hit in Haiti. And we did it again, on the Sunday after the earthquake we split our offering with our ministry partners in Haiti. In a short two month period we gave away approximately $70,000. Keeping in mind that the economy was at an incredible low point, this was not only an act of generosity - but a deep trust in God's provision. Would our own church needs be met with all this money flowing out of our doors?

On Sunday, Stan reported that even as we were more generous to others, our offerings remained strong and God provided beyond what was needed this past year! We didn't know this would happen when we gave those large amounts away in January, we had to trust. I wonder if that felt a little uncomfortable.

My point in telling you this? Although you read this blog from all over the country, (and the world, there are readers here from 10 different countries!) we all hear the same bells this time of year. The message is simple ~ be generous and trust God for your own provision. Go to the bank today, get $1 bills and listen for the bells.

(Read The $1 Difference here)

On-Going Efforts to Simplify Chistmas Gift-Giving

2010-11-30T10:10:00.018-05:00

I really enjoy shopping for my kids. So Christmas can (and overall historically has been) a challenging time for us. I grew up getting many gifts, Kevin did not grow up this way, consequently, we tangled for several years about gift giving at Christmas. Last year our church participated in the Advent Conspiracy, which gave me much needed perspective. (Take a minute to watch this video - seriously, it will impact your thoughts on this season and the presenCe you give ~ it impacted our gift giving in a big and special way last year)

I want to continue the simplicity of gift giving this year and was inspired by a recent post on my friend Myah's blog. She referenced another blog on gift giving for birthdays and Christmas. This idea rolled around in my head for awhile and then over Thanksgiving we talked to our kids about it.

This year we are simplifying the giving for each other. We will give four gifts, one from each of these categories: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. I love that it immediately simplified my thought process on gift giving.

Another simplifying idea this year is this: we will give the kids their own Christmas budget. They can only purchase family gifts with this budget. If they don't spend it all, the balance comes back to us, if they go over budget, the overage comes from their own personal budgets. (We will also encourage a "Christmas" line item in their personal budgets and transfer the financial part of gift giving to them next year.)

Also new last year, we did not help them with gift-giving ideas for each other. We reminded them that they know their siblings, and us, better than anyone; they were to use their own mind and their hearts in their personal shopping.

Christmas and gift-giving. Its a journey, and I'm glad to be challenged in it as I seek to keep the manger clear of the clutter of all the stuff we add to this birth. (My friend Janna also wrote a challenging Christmas post, you can read it here.)

Please share your Christmas ideas through your comments!
(I also posted here today on Christmas ~ like I said...I'm back ;)

I'm Back

2010-11-30T07:31:00.006-05:00

I am coming back today. Its been a month of wondering if I have anything to say, and wondering if what I say matters. (I think I do, I hope it does, so I'm back)

Its been a month of preparing something special for my son's 16th birthday, thinking about how to keep Christmas simple and focused, and a month in which we discovered my brother-in-law has cancer. I will be back here today with a post about mom stuff. See you soon!

Prayer, Plan, Hope

2010-11-11T09:29:00.021-05:00

October 30, 2010 was a day in which I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing someone who was coming up blank. I wasn't tired, sad, angry, not even particularly empty. Blank is the word that fit. Kyler had had his most violent and destructive rage to date. I was at the sink and just looking in the mirror; thinking about absolutely nothing. It was then when I "heard" these words, "Its almost over."

I have been beyond asking God for some time now for an answer or an ending. I do ask him constantly to show the next step. These words that floated through my head were something I wanted to grab and claim, but...

We have been as proactive as we can be. We had finally received approval for a full psychological evaluation, the testing had occurred and in two days we were receiving the results. We were hopeful for a new direction in therapy but his being accepted into this practice was contingent on what the evaluation revealed.

I like a plan. (nodding yes right now if you know me, right?!) Get the evaluation 4 Get the results. 4 Get the referral for the new therapist. 4 Get accepted into her practice. 4 Begin new therapy. 4 Wait in hope for new behaviors to emerge.

"Its almost over." Right. I want this more than anything. For him. For us. Lift Up Your Face keeps playing on the radio in my car. I receive this song as hope. I want to believe its almost over. For him. For us.

Back to The Plan: Get the evaluation. a Get the results. a Get the referral for the new therapist. a Get accepted into the new practice. a Begin new therapy a(first appointment is in nine days) An added step - yesterday we had an appointment with the psychiatrist to review his medications. Based on the insight provided in the evaluation, there has been a change in his medications. (It's almost over ran through my mind as I sat in her office and listened.)

As we drove home Lift up Your Face played again. I almost cried. I reached over and patted him on the leg. I want to hold him, but a pat on the leg is what he can take in. So this is what I give.

Why share all of this here? I ask myself. The answer ~ I'm a writer; its how I work things out. This blog is to share my journey in this year of wearing the National Young Mother of the Year title, and this is indeed part of my journey. Some of my journey is quite funny, some of it uplifting and good and I promise you - some of it is hard. Is this not true of all of our lives? If sharing in real and raw ways helps anyone else on a difficult journey than I have done my job as a writer.

If its indeed almost over, how awesome to be able to come back here and give God the glory. If its not almost over, then I will still come back here and give God the glory. I feel as if have been in the furnace a few times already and I have not burned up. God's faithfulness is evident even with the fire still going.

Standing in hope. a

Random Bits on Being Chosen

2010-11-04T19:48:00.027-04:00

I believe my kids are not alone in wanting to be chosen. (see previous post) I don't remember the details, but several years ago I remember asking someone from our church to join a team. I don't even remember the team, I just remember her response. She almost teared up and said she had decided that if no one approached and asked her to get involved she was considering leaving our church. She was waiting to be chosen.

My sister says people like to be known and needed. I believe this.
I also believe that not being chosen is good for the strengthening of the heart, mind and soul. The truth is we won't always be chosen. We will be left out. Here is what I saw when Erin was not chosen:
lStrength.
lEnergy spent leaning into God.
lShe went to cheer on her friends at some games, even though it was hard.
lShe will not soon forget the feelings of not being chosen & will be more compassionate for it.
lSiblings that took the opportunity to show love and support.
A few years ago I heard someone say that when we feel crushed, what we are made of seeps out. Will it be a fragrance or an odor that rises up from us?

But really, the bottom line of being chose is this...
We are good enough. We have all been chosen.

Chosen

2010-11-04T16:22:00.017-04:00

I'm starting with the ending today ~ Erin made the school basketball team yesterday! By itself this is great and exciting news, but when I add the background it becomes sweeter.

Last year ~ Erin discovered she really liked volleyball and wanted to try out for the school team. She practiced in the backyard and got a college player to coach her one on one. She felt confident...but...she didn't make the team. She was devastated, especially because many of her friends had made the team and she could feel the separation coming. I remember when she came home after try-outs; due to her confidence we were excited to hear her news, but when she saw Courtney standing at the door she collapsed into her arms sobbing.

Soon it was basketball season. Erin has been playing basketball since kindergarten. She has gone to summer basketball camp since 3rd grade. It was a no brainer that she would try out for the school team, but...she didn't make it. It was devastating...she cried for days. She talked to God about it for months.

She ran with the cross country runners this past summer. She joined the team when school started and decided that would be her fall sport, she wasn't even going to try out for volleyball this year. I was proud of her decision because she seemed confident and happy in this new sport.

As basketball season loomed on the horizon I asked her thoughts on trying out for the team again. Her response surprised me. On one hand she was nervous to try out again, but she said,
"I really want to wear a team uniform and represent my school."
"But you do wear the team uniform, for cross country, and you do represent your school." I relied.
"Yeah," she said, "but I wasn't chosen for cross country. I want someone to tell me I'm good enough to be on the team."

Ahhhh. Right, chosen.
We want to be chosen, don't we?
Good enough. Right.
We want to be good enough, don't we?

When she came in the door last night her big brother high-fived her and said something about being the "first Carlstrom to make a team!" My husband looked at him and reminded him he is on the football team. He said, yeah, but I didn't make the football team.

Oh. Right. Back to being chosen. Hmmmmm.....
We do want to be chosen don't we?

I will write more about that tomorrow.....

Who's in Your Group?

2010-10-31T20:33:00.019-04:00

We all want to belong. In pre-school we hold hands with "my friend" even when we don't know her name. In elementary school we find a group to play with on the playground. In middle-school we want to belong to a lunch table, in high school we long to fit somewhere, so we join the team, the club, the band.

It doesn't really change, as adults we still long to belong. We want to know someone has got our back, that someone will pick up our kids when we can't, that we can laugh, cry, pray and eat with others who know us.

Saturday night we gathered together with "our group". After nine years, our group is a little like a family. We've been through a lot with each other and have stacked up some history. Recently we decided our gathering needed to change, life had taken us to new places, and what we had been doing wasn't working anymore. We now meet less often but it felt more rich. I love that we mean enough to each other to re-evaluate and not just quit when it gets complicated.

I looked at this group of friends as we gathered to begin our study (also being done in a new format) and told them how much they all meant to me...and I teared up. Nine years is a long time. Courtney was 9 when we first were invited to join them - she is now at college. We've walked each other through a lot. Our lives criss-cross significantly more now that our kids are older. We can relax with each other, let our quirkiness leak out and know its OK (they know we're quirky anyway). We know each others strengths...and weaknesses.

Right now our church leaders are urging everyone to get in a small group. Have dinner, do a study and pray together. I believe in this. I think it's easy to feel alone; we don't have family within 500 miles and yet we have what, at many times, feels life family within this group...all because we took a risk and showed up for Zesty Cheese Soup and a Bible study one fall evening.

Whose hand are you holding? Do you know who you are having lunch with? If you know these answers, awesome. If you don't, look around and see whose table you want to join and invite them over for dinner. Let's all do this life together.

Today

2010-10-27T16:19:00.004-04:00

You can find me here today.

The Name We Bear

2010-10-23T22:33:00.006-04:00

We had an interesting discussion at dinner the other night. We took a few minutes to allow Erin & Zach to tell Kyler what they were feeling about his latest shenanigan at school. (see previous post) It was interesting to hear their hearts, they both talked about our family name. He was told that since he is the last one to come through the school with our name, the impression he left would potentially be the impression people may end up with when our family name is spoken.

There is also concern that if the only exposure others have of our family is his inappropriate words and behavior than the impression of our family has the potential to be an inaccurate one.

OK...so I have a few things on my mind on this topic.

1. Return with honor. This is on our front door. I hope these parting words mean something to each of us. I believe every time we leave this house we are entering a world where losing honor is tempting and easy. I want each of us to care about our family name. I was touched to hear our family name and reputation mean something to our kids. No matter where you come in the line-up, you will leave behind impressions for others to walk into. Be kind. Be nice. Be wise.

2. We all bear names. Our family name, our company name, our church name, even titles. I remember when my friend Barb heard I was nominated as Indiana's Young Mother of the Year; she said (lovingly of course) the first time someone recognizes me will be at Target with my hand gripped so tightly around Kyler's wrist that my finger tips are white! So after we laughed, I thought, Well, that wouldn't represent the title so well now would it? Caring about the name we bear matters.

3. I have written about this name bearing before. It stinks; I still misrepresent the one whose name I bear. If the only exposure you ever have of Jesus is through me, then it it quite possible that I may not leave you with the most accurate impression of who he is. Through the lens of Christianity, sometimes my words and behavior are inappropriate.

4. May I remember the name of the one who bore it all for me and leave an impression that is pleasant for others to walk into.

A Day in This Life

2010-10-19T19:01:00.033-04:00

Where is the pot? A question I never thought I'd ask a child of mine. But with this life I lead as the newish mother to this almost 13 year old boy, I find myself in situations and saying things I never thought I would, more frequently than I could have ever imagined.

I remember aching for this child while he was apart from us, and feeling full and whole when he was placed back with us. I was overwhelmed with emotion as we sat in the courtroom and claimed him as ours. I was full of joy as over one hundred people celebrated his official new last name with us.

I knew much of what he had been through (too much). I knew it would be hard at times; I had lived through that the first time he was here, when it had become unbearable. I also knew God had brought him back. Someday I will write that story, it is an amazing story that I need to reflect on in days like today, because sometimes I wonder what did we do? And I am instantly reminded it was not we who did it.

I have written about neutral before. As a mom, this is an uncomfortable gear. I don't feel like a good mom in that place, to some who live in community with me, I may not even appear to be a good mom. (Yep, I struggle with that, but it may be more perceived than real judgment because I don't even feel good about myself during these times, so how could I think others feel good about me. Again, if I can be "National Young Mother of the Year", well....just sayin')

But by the grace of God, in moments when it seems impossible, powerful feelings of love wash over me. In God's mercy, grace reigns down and floods my heart when it is parched. In God's sovereignty, peace captivates my heart when peace makes no sense.

Last week we had prescription pills go missing. Today a teacher overheard him talk about smoking pot with a kid at school. This is on top of other behaviors that have restricted his already restricted environment at school even more in the last few weeks.

I feel like I know the darkest parts of this child, parts that most people do not see (or sometime even believe are there) and even I am utterly perplexed by the things he says and does at times. Today is one of those times. (He is way too supervised to actually be smoking pot, but since those are his words, we will play this out and they will search his locker tomorrow. Maybe he will be impacted by the power of his words.)

Last week was good. The previous week was not good. The weekend was good. Sunday night was awful. Yesterday was really good. Even after all that unfolded Sunday evening, (he was full of rage due to some consequences he doesn't like) I felt so much love for him yesterday and thanked God again for showing up. And then today this happens.

I understand most of the psychology involved, I am even beginning to understand the brain science behind much of it. I read what the therapists give me. I attend therapy with him (and sometimes solo for me). I get it. But I am saying that living it out in this house, in this heart is tough sometimes.

Life is good. I have an amazing sister who helps me process his behaviors because she works with kids like him 500miles away. We have friends who pray for us constantly, friends who pour into him when we cannot, and friends who display love even with all they know. I love our life. I am blessed beyond what I could have hoped for.

We all have trials, we all have struggles; mine are not special. But as I write this blog, as I walk through this year as National Young Mother of the Year, and as I share some inspiring, funny and encouraging thoughts and moments, I also want to be authentic in some of the stuff that isn't so shiny and pretty.

God is good. All the time. He is Love. He is Grace. He is sovereign. He knows the way. I trust Him still.

1st 5K

2010-10-16T10:16:00.002-04:00

I posted here today.

Sometimes...

2010-10-14T07:11:00.006-04:00

Sometimes its just hard being a mom.

Sometimes its probably hard being the kid.
Sometimes it must feel hard to move from kid to young adult.

The Other Women

2010-10-13T11:17:00.014-04:00

My husband spent some time this week with two of my favorite women. Kevin's uncle passed away last week and so he flew to Minnesota for the funeral. Although the passing of a loved one is not something any of us look forward to, it is a time when family and friends sometimes come from near and far to gather where they otherwise would not.

It was a busy week for Kevin, he was to be traveling for work to two different cities. Instead he cancelled all plans and flew to pick up his sister and then travel the 5 hours to meet up with their mom. I love this.

As we move into our marriages and begin our own families, we sometimes lose one-on-one connections with our parents and siblings. I love my sister-in-law, and I love when we get one-on-one time. I adore my mother-in-law and when we get time alone, it fills me up. Kevin doesn't seem to get as much of that time as I do, and its his family!

I think its because we women are so relational, we make sure we get that time with the other women in our lives who mean so much. I also believe because we understand that, we should encourage our husbands to take time out for their moms, for their sisters (and for their dads & brothers).

Kevin and his sister were very close growing up, even with twelve years between them; in many ways he became a father-figure to her. They laugh and joke around and care about each other. I have always seen the special and loving relationship Kevin and his mom have had. Although I would have loved to have gone along for this time in Minnesota, I am also loving that my husband got this time with two of his other favorite women.

Baptized - Entering the Water to Walk on the Path

2010-10-10T16:02:00.043-04:00

Erin came to us this summer and said that she had been thinking of getting baptized. She acknowledged her infant baptism but said she wanted to make her own public confession of faith and in addition, she felt God was calling her to come forward in baptism.

Each year our church has a Baptism Celebration ~ the entire church is invited to gather at our pond, celebrate both dedications and baptisms and enjoy dinner together.

Kevin asked Erin if she wanted us to walk into the water with her. I could tell she was considering how to answer him. Finally she said because she felt she was being called to be baptized, and because it was her decision to be obedient, she felt she was to enter the water solo.

What a great moment. We've walked this road of faith as a family in the hopes, and with the intention, that each of our kids will at some point reach out on their own and grab the hand of Jesus.

Here is the thing, our kids are going to let go of our hands. They are going to walk in their own direction. If they have made a decision to follow Jesus, then its easier to let them go. She's 13, I'm still holding her hand. . .and she has a grip on the one who really holds her all the way through this life. This feels encouraging as a mom. I cannot always be with her, she won't always want to listen to me, I don't always know what she's up against, and I don't always have the right words, attitude, or timing. He does.

(Picture by Chad Orlikowski)

Our local paper published an article on Baptism and they ended their article with some quotes from Erin. You can read the article, Tradition Reborn, here.

Daily Points

2010-10-07T12:44:00.006-04:00

New post on my other blog ~

you can read it here.

Let You Go?

2010-10-06T12:37:00.036-04:00

It was a Monday afternoon when she said it. She was in the back seat as we were running errands. There was no drama in her voice, just a simple sentence. "I don't know how I'll go to first grade next year mom."

"Well," I told her as I glanced in the rear view mirror, "just like you go to kindergarten...on the bus."

"No," she said, "I mean I'm not sure how I'm going to let you go."

How do they do that? How do they take your grown up heart and make it come undone?

Overall I am pretty confident in my role as a mom. But I have to admit there have been days where it seems everything else comes before them. There are nights I have tucked these kids in and thought to myself, I have met their needs, but I'm not sure I have even looked them in the eye once today.

At the time, Erin's comment made me wonder, how was I ever going to let her go? When I'm on the phone, cleaning or running errands with her in tow, I comfort myself with the thought that I can give her some good attention later. Not really thinking that at some point later won't really be an option.

So I pondered the question I sometimes ask myself, Am I a good mom?

As I helped her dress the next morning, she stopped and looked me in the eye and very purposely began, "Mom..." She went on to tell a story, and I stopped, looked her in the eye and gave her my full, unhurried attention. It was a moment when I felt God whisper, "This is it" and I knew in my heart that I was a good mom.

Its moments. There is not much this side of heaven that is non-stop, continuous, uninterrupted. There will be days in which I feel guilty, there will be times that "later" never arrives. But there will also be days that I get it all right, where the time is invested in the right place at the right time, where deep discussions and light laughter take place over macaroni and cheese. There will be moments that I know, "This is it."

This article was originally published November 12, 2002 and is being published here today specifically for the moms in the Sonrise MOPS Group, where I serve as a Mentor Mom. Be encouraged and reminded that you were the one chosen to be the mom for the children in your home. Look them in the eye, get your errands done, take time for yourself, soak in the moments that matter, believe in yourself, trust God for placing you here. ~Sheri

Not so Sweet

2010-10-04T22:05:00.013-04:00

In an attempt to put a healthier version of mashed potatoes on the table, I tried mashed sweet potatoes last night. Weight Watchers provided a recipe for which I had all ingredients, including the non-fat greek yogurt...bonus.

I was rather proud of myself for offering such a colorful side dish full of Beta carotene, vitamin A and fiber.

"What is this?" was the question of the night, but everyone tried some. "Interesting." was Erin's comment. Zach's replay went like this, "At first I was like sweet, then I was like pumpkin, then I was like Blaachhhh, then it was back on my plate."!! That kid cracks me up.

Surprisingly there were leftovers...that didn't make it to the fridge. Oh well, at least I tried. Looking forward to good old fashioned mashed potatoes later in the week with sour cream and butter. Better save some points.

Fast Forward Three Years

2010-10-04T07:51:00.012-04:00

I had just made it through my exercise class at the Y last Wednesday when a woman came up to me and asked if I went to Sonrise Church, I said I did. She went on to say she didnt know if I remembered her, but three years ago I had sat with her on the bench while she cried.

I immediately knew who she was. I had thought of her often, in fact on Monday our exercise class was turned towards a different wall and seeing the bench upstairs, I had thought of her yet again.

She went on to tell me how much it had meant to have me sit with her. She said at the time she had been embarrassed by the tears, but grateful to know someone cared. She also said that day had become a turning point for her.

I was humbled greatly, and now tears sprang to my eyes. Something so simple had meant so much. I knew I had to post the original newspaper column here and then the follow up that I was so graciously granted. Her words inspired me once again to make sure that I am willing to act when it is within my power to act.

In our culture we are so busy; I think its easy to simply mind our own business and keep going. But what if we knew that the time we take, the care we express, the love we share could make the difference in the day, the direction or even the life of another? Wouldn't we lend a hand, share a word, or even sit for a moment?

Have you been impacted by an unexpected act? If so, click "comment" and inspire us through your story.

Running in the Right Direction

2010-10-02T19:31:00.002-04:00

Read it here.

Rewind Three Years

2010-09-30T16:04:00.039-04:00

This article was originally printed in the Journal Gazette on October 6, 2007.

I was running at the Y when I saw her sitting on a bench, her face in a towel. At first I thought maybe she was just catching her breath, but as I got closer I saw her shoulders and knew she was sobbing. I looked around to see whether anyone she knew would come upon her, but she appeared to be alone.

As I got closer, I felt I should do something. Not being assured of what that was, I simply sat down next to her. She continued to sob, catching her breath, then sobbing some more, her face held in the towel.

Now what? I thought.
Awkward. Was my next thought.

Then Job's friends came to my mind. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because his suffering was so great. Job 2:13

Knowing I had no words, I put my head down and began to pray silently for her. We sat like that for quite awhile, then finally she lifted her tear-streaked face and looked at me. I said, I'll pray for you as I run, unless there is something else I can do for you now. She looked at me, extreme pain evident in her eyes and asked me searchingly, "Do you know me?"

Do you know me? I said No. But I was thinking, in a way the answer could have been yes. I have known sorrow so deep that I could not lift my face. I have sat alone.

She didn't know that I was listening to the Newsboys song, Go and that as she came into view the lyrics being pushed through my earbuds were Everybody needs somebody's shoulder to cry on, are you gonna lend a hand and assist? Someones needing a friend, I'm gonna send you.

I listened as she began to talk; she had recently moved here and was wondering where she fit, or more importantly...even if she fit. She wondered where she belonged.

Her question, Do you know me, has made its way deep into my soul today and I am wondering why. I believe we all long to be known. Do you recognize me? Am I needed? Accepted? If I didn't show up would anyone even notice...or care? Do I matter? Do I make a difference?

How do we let each other know the answers to these questions? They are significant questions and quite frankly we're all a little busy getting our stuff done. And if I'm being honest, when behind on projects and To Do lists, I'm not sure I feel like I can make the time investment it could take to let you know that: Yes, you matter. Yes, you are needed. Yes, you make a difference.

But if I keep my head down (like I sometimes do) in order to stay on track and avoid uncomfortable encounters, than I have missed it as a Christian. When I said Yes to Jesus then I also said Send me, and I am learning sometimes He really does say Go.

Its not always comfortable. Sometimes I say no. Sometimes I say later. But it is when I follow the promptings of my heart that I am reminded of Proverbs 3:27 Do not withhold good from those whom it is due when it is within your power to act. Do not say...come back tomorrow...when you already have it with you.

Think of the difference we would make if we all made even small efforts to let those around us (those we know, and those we do not) that we notice, that we care, that they belong. Are we going to lend a hand and assist?

Today, if you have it within you to act...then do.

Click here to read Fast Forward Three Years, an update to this article.

A Bad Word - and - a Word of Hope.

2010-09-27T11:50:00.019-04:00

I received word late last night that a friend, who is a part of my very fabric, heard the C word in relation to her own body. I am saddened for what she is going through. I am grieving for the loss of peace she feels in her mind as she waits for a report that will set the course for what is next.

It was an odd mom moment. I was in the kitchen when Zach walked in to find me crying. He came over and put his arm around me and just waited. I could hear Erin tell Kevin that I was crying. Then there were four of us in the kitchen. Mom in the center crying, kids comforting. Odd.

After I had crawled into bed, Zach came down and taped a note to my door. This is what it said:

Thyroid Cancer:

a Only 3.4% of women diagnosed die from it each year

a Most common cancer = easiest to treat

a Where only part of the thyroid is removed, no further treatment is necessary

a 95% cure rate

a More drugs have been made to cure thyroid cancer

a Even if the cancer has metastasised it is easy to cure

a Just some encouraging facts to help deal in a rough time.

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. Maybe to express what a humbling and grace-filled moment it is when your child gets to a place where they reach out to you in what you hope have been ways you have reached out to them.

Maybe it's that we've all been in those awkward places where we just are not sure what to say. Was it awkward for my son to see me cry? Possibly. But Zach lent a word that gave some hope. We could all take a lesson from Zach and be encouraged to say something in those times...if even to tape it on a door. Last night I said little (in sticky note terms, one sticky notes worth) and hoped it felt like an arm around her shoulder. Thanks Zach.

And friend, did you see that note up there? We've got this. I will be there soon.

Hi Ray...

2010-09-21T13:27:00.005-04:00

I wrote on Slices of an Ordinary Life.
Click here to read it and take a poll on the subject!

Pardon me....

2010-09-20T21:15:00.014-04:00

Tonight while we were sitting at Zach's football game, a woman came late and joined some friends of hers behind us. They asked why she was late and she said, "I had to go back to where we ate dinner," her son had left something on the tray and it had been thrown in the trash, she went on to say, "I am Mother of the Year because I went back and dug through the trash and found it!"

I was like....ummm....hmmm.....A c t u a l l y.....let me introduce myself, I don't think we've met!

OK, if you know me at all, you know I didn't really say that, but Kevin, Kyler and I did share knowing looks. :) I also knew immediately that this was too funny not to share. How many times is a moment like that ever going to happen?!

I love that we ALL have moments as moms where we put on the sash that says "Mother of the Year"and the crown that sparkles with our shiny moments! (although in real like there is no sash or crown, but there is a plaque and a statue). Here's to all of us sharing this title!!

A Sober Topic

2010-09-16T22:50:00.009-04:00

Sparked by a conversation with another mom, I asked my kids their thoughts on a teen drinking issue. Their responses were so interesting that I just have to share - I hope this will spark a conversation around your table.

I asked our three older kids what they thought about the situation in which parents allow their teens to drink. There is a philosophy that teens are going to drink anyway, so its safer to have them drink in your home; the belief being that at least you have control over the drinking. (please read the articles linked below on this) I know what I believe about this issue, but was curious to hear the thoughts of our kids.

Courtney (18) immediately said it was not a good idea. I asked why. She talked about how allowing your kids to drink in the home makes the assumption that they absolutely are going to drink, almost leaving no room for them to have the option not to drink. (I am a firm believer of this...people tend to live up or down to your expectations. And what about the kids who really don't want to drink?)

She also said that once kids feel their parents have given permission to drink they will very likely at some point move that drinking out of the house. If they can handle it in the house, at some point they are likely to believe that they can handle it in other environments as well. Interesting how she sees the slippery slope.

Courtney added that "Respect for the parents might be lost, maybe not consciously, but subconsciously as they realize their parents don't hold up high standards and don't expect their children to either."

Zach's (almost 16) first response was, "Isn't it illegal to drink under the age of 21?". Very astute. He echoed Courtney with "If teens believe they can do it at home then they will believe they can do it other places as well. He continued by saying "If someone asks you if you want a drink, the thought that would run through your mind is Well, my parents already approve..."

Erin (age 13) piped in with "If your parents help you break the law on the drinking issue you may wonder what other laws don't apply to you."

I'm not kidding, these were the responses of three teenagers. If I was writing this column based on what I think about the issue, this column would be easy to disregard. But these were the words that flowed immediately out of their mouths.

I drank when I was a teen; it didn't bring about anything positive, in fact it caused problems. Because of my own experience, there was a time as a young parent, that I believed all kids drink, and there was nothing you could do about it, so just expect it. It scared me as a parent because I thought this was an issue I would have no influence over. Well, guess what? I changed my mind. At some point we decided we would expect our kids not to drink, we would express and talk about our beliefs and expectations, and hope and pray for the outcome that would keep our children wise and safe.

I'm so interested in hearing your thoughts, and your teens thoughts, on this topic. Click the comment button to leave them - talk to your teens and come back here and talk about what you discovered. You can do it anonymously if you want, but let's talk about it!

Click here and here for two really good articles on this topic.

I found these articles after I wrote this column and was fascinated that our teens responses lined up with the research. I'm not saying we have perfect kids, (we don't) I'm just saying as parents we have way more influence than we many times believe.

Mourning into Dancing....

2010-09-12T22:52:00.018-04:00

I expected to have a rough time when our daughter left for college, but am finding that I am doing pretty well with the adjustment. However, Sunday mornings catch me off guard. The first Sunday morning tears streamed down my face the entire time of worship and prayer. Which was weird because I had felt fine as I walked into church. Then the next Sunday I made it through worship but tears resumed their trail down my face while our pastor prayed. Hmmmm...What is going on? I wondered.

Then I realized that for the last fifteen years, Sunday mornings have been a time for our family to all be in one place, worshipping with the same music, agreeing in prayer over the same prayers, hearing the same message and then sharing thoughts over lunch. One place...all of us. Almost every single Sunday. Now, one was missing.

Courtney was home the next two Sundays so those Sundays felt "normal". Then she was back on campus this past Sunday. The worship song was Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin. When we sing this song I most often think of our adopted son and am reminded that God is greater than any past or present force that is against him, and I claim these words as truth and victory.

Today as I was thinking of him, my mind suddenly shifted to Courtney and then I could not stop smiling as I was quickly filled with joy! I felt in that moment that she was in church somewhere and that she was indeed worshipping God along with us. Maybe not with the same song, and there would be different prayers, as well as a different message. But our God was greater than any distance, greater than any force that could separate her from 15 years of building that relationship with Him.

I found out later that afternoon that she indeed was at a church,
worshipping at the same time. Seriously, our God is awesome.